The Crumbling Tower

Locked in the castle so many years ago, while the war raged on beyond the walls of our keep, she hoisted her flag and waited.. Thousands came to offer their assistance, one by one she turned them all away.. but the walls of her keep slowly were eroded and soon the sounds of war were beating at her door.. the castle shook violently and her heart pounded madly.. the was a call from outside her window... "Milady, do tell me your plan to leave if not with me, soon they shall be knocking at your very door..I will not be coming around this way to fetch you again"

I called out to him "Sir, I don't think I want to leave just yet."

"Milady, your castle is crumbling under attack you must trust in me and leave now before it is to late."

I looked out to him again "But, I don't want to leave, yet."

He called back, "But, you haven't a choice, now climb out that window and down that rope to safety.."

Looking down, I felt dizzy, but I climbed up on the ledge anyway, swung my legs out, wrapped the rope around my right leg, turned onto my belly and shimmied out the window and just hung there. "I don't want to come down there Sir.."

"Milady, just slide down here I assure you it is safe and I am waiting just at the end of the rope."

I was just hanging outside my window by a rope when I heard the crash of my tower door.. They were at the tower door already, I had to let go and when I did, I slid down the rope so fast I nearly fell right into my Knights hands.. "Oh thank goodness you finally came to your senses, you have been up there way to long already, let's go now.."

I didn't fight leaving the castle that day, instead I rode quietly away, making my escape, watching quite sadly as my keep crumbled to the earth..

"Don't worry Milady, you can always build a new home in a land that is not plagued with war"

"What saddens me Sir is not that my home is gone or that I have to rebuild, but is that the land I call home is so plagued with war.."

When a wall is really a door..

I had walked naked for miles and miles, days and many nights, through this empty barren world, only to find the maze of deceit, which one could only hope would lead me to the land called Inside Yourself to find the girl who resides there.. 

When I came to the wall of the maze, there didn't seem to be an opening anywhere to be seen, from where I stood it looked solid through and through in all directions, impossibly tall and terribly thick, patched with overgrowth and moss several inches deep.. 

I was so despaired, I thought I would weep..as I leaned my back against the wall, just about to sit and bawl, I suddenly began to fall.. fall I did, right through that green moss covered wall.. Looking around, I realized I had fallen into a long tunnel that appeared to extend infinitely for exactly the same distance at both ends... 

Sitting in crumpled heap on the rock hard ground "Well" , I said more to myself than the bird who had been following me for sometime, "The journey to "Inside Yourself" is forever long and full of many perils, not exactly a tourists dream vacation.. " 

I stood up and brushed the dirt out of my skin and reached out to touch the wall I had just fallen through... My hand just fell straight through, so I touched the wall behind me thinking this was the solid wall I would follow looking for a new door... and again my hand just fell through.. 

So I walked up and tried to look past the moss, sure enough it appeared to be only hanging there, giving the image of a wall, rather than really being a wall.. Everywhere I looked there was just moss overhanging and everywhere I pressed I could just push through... 

So I pressed on, walking through wall after wall of the maze of deceit, laughing at how much fear I had of this very maze as walked up to it from afar, picturing all the things that could happen if was lost in there forever.. 

It's amazing how sometimes a wall really is a door...

The Journey Out

When I wake up in the morning my eyes open and suddenly I am confronted with thousands of images, each one representing a life choice that I made to bring me to today. 

Today is a very important day for me, although it’s probably just an ordinary day for most of you. Today celebrates year three of my new life. In my new life, I am free from answering to anyone for anything but myself. In my new life, when I make a mistake it is only me who will ask why. In my new life, no one has the right to question me, or is entitled to answers, no one person can make me do what I don’t want to do. No persons can abuse me; no persons can use me, no persona to tell me that my best wasn't good enough.

I lived 27 years in secret and in hiding, only sharing my thoughts and feelings with myself. For 27 years I kept my true intimate desires a secret, my true identity was always hidden. I’ve lived many lives in my short life here on earth, and always with someone else beating the drum to the tune that in-which I would march. For many years I thought I would never achieve freedom from persecution, and I often felt hopeless. Years of abuse and misuse of my soul eventually took its toll.

Three years ago today I sat in my bed and cried. I felt that I had no escape. I looked out the window and longed for a day just to taste what others felt every day of their lives. I yearned to free myself from the tangled web I had weaved. Stuck at the end of what seemed like the longest tunnel I have ever seen, I suddenly decided I was getting out. I would see that light someday.
One day at a time I began to change, it started with the change of mind. With a new mind set I began to make choices that now I can hardly believe I had done.

Day after day, I silently waited for the break in the darkness just to peek at the sun. Suddenly the tunnel ended and I was in a forest of new choices. Each branch that fell in my way I pushed aside. Each tree that stood in the way of my path, I fell. Fallen trunks littered the floor of the forest when I was done.

All the boulders that always seemed like unmovable objects suddenly were but, pebbles in my shoe. Running alone threw this forest for one year remaking the scenery to appear as I like. It has not been easy I have worked 28 days out of every month, each year just to pay the bills. I have carried a child on my back this whole way, always protecting her and stopping only when she tires. Our pace has been relentless as we cut through the night, just her and me. I have slept alone and woke even lonelier, I have refused to stop for even the smallest of my pleasures like dinner or a date. 

Today I know that all along I should have known what I know today. I don’t need a man, who will abuse me. I don’t need a sister that would use me, and I certainly don’t need a mother who I felt never rescued me. I need only the very beautiful things that I already have inside to provide. I know that, I am smart and beautiful and I deserve to be me. I know that although it looked scary from inside the tunnel, the forest is a much nice place to be. I know that although it has been hard, and almost seemed impossible at times, being free is worth every minute of the agony, pain and suffering I have had to endure to achieve this moment of Glory.

So if you’re alone and suffering in silence start walking down that tunnel one way or the other both ways lead out. When you reach the forest remember to stay on the path and move the objects in your way. Don’t change course, you must climb over, cut down and keep running.  The beast will challenge you and try to make you cower in fear. Know that his growl is so much greater than his bite. It will hurt and you will feel pain but, it is nothing in comparison to the freedom you will gain.

The Girl In the Meadow

Standing there watching her cry, wanting to reach out to her and ask her “Why?” Knowing I can do nothing but wait for it to subside. My head surged with pain as I looked in at her, so sad on the other side, on the inside. Looking to the mirror in my hand…
The finest laced brass wraps the edge of my looking glass, into the reflection I stare, hopelessly looking in there; I call out to her in whisper.

“Child, have I taught you not? Haven’t we been here before? Come to the mirror, ask me the questions in your heart and cry no more.”

She looks up and out at me then sobs sadly ‘Where have you been? I thought you left me alone again?’
”Never are you alone ever again, remember we are to be together until the very end.”

Staring up into my eyes she says ‘I do not remember tell me once more, how I came to be inside the mirror? This time I shall never forget ever again..

“K you were born into this world to serve a great purpose, a long time ago you cast a spell. A young caster in the middle of the wood, you carried your mothers mirror out to brook, with you that night you took two candles, one black and one white. In K’s meadow during the middle of night, you began to sing a beautifully sad song, then the candles you did light. Your words made from magic, you did not yet understand, reached the angels and they put you in the mirror where you now stand.” 

Looking down into the mirror from aside the bubbling brook, her tear hit the glass and slid to the brass rim. ‘Will I ever return to the see the other side, or am I destined to always be on the inside?’'


She smiles softly and says,

“It is you who cast the spell that protects you; it was you who wished to hide from all the ones who neglect you. It was you who wished to forget you, when all you had to do was accept you.”

Her face appeared streaked behind the looking glass; her eyes were green blue like the ocean as she stared up at me and said ‘Who is me K now? Am I Krissy? Am I Kristen? How am I to decide without knowing?’

“Must it always be one or the other, can you not be all three of them? Either way you must decide when it time for you to come from within, to be one on the other side. I shall give you this key, it will last you until eternity. This key will be the way you can always find me. When you’re ready to be one and decide whom you will be, place the key around your neck, look into the mirror and say “Mirror, Mirror in my hand I have chosen where I stand.”

“With that I leave you child until next time” the girl in the mirror faded into my own reflection and I examined the key. It hung from a titanium chain, was made of white gold, it was jeweled with black and white diamonds. I put the necklace around my neck and said” Mirror Mirror in my hand, I have chosen where I stand”

Suddenly there I stood in my own kitchen I was no longer in my reflection, my daughter on the couch as if none of it had ever happened. I walked up to my bedroom and looked around the calendar read May 26, 2010.  I was kind of a little bit scared at what might find. Everything looked so pretty a very nice house, not a sign of anyone other than Angelina and me. Then there in the mirror on the wall reflected back at me- Kristen Krissy and K.

Where you'll find me

Turning around, she walked over to the window and opened it. Leaning out, she peered down at the moat below; from here it appeared not to be moving. The stillness of the water’s surface belied the true danger that lurked below. From this view, the wall that surrounded the keep looked small, despite its true towering size. Just past the wall, an endless maze that stretches as far as her eyes could see. From this view, life was splendid; the world was quiet and unmoving. Screaming out the window, into the vast empty space between here and there, her words echoed through the air, “Here I can be me; here I am safe to be free, as here it is only me.” Staring at the horizon, past the wall that surrounds her keep, over the maze that stretches to the desert, she can almost see you.

As you approached the beginning of the maze, she calls out to you, “If you managed to traverse the ocean, cross the desert, and found the gate to my endless maze; would you still continue? For if you do, you are sure to get lost along the way. My maze is alarmingly deceitful; it can be hard to say which way to go. My maze is mind-bendingly complicated; it’s even harder to know which way is right and when to say no. Walls so high in every direction; can you not see, there is no way you will ever find me?  The entire maze is filled with walls, they all look the same, each corner looks like the one before last. Each new door looks like the one you just passed. Do you think that you would make the whole journey though? Do you think you could last? Would you do this just for me, or is this all for you?”

When you approached the wall that lies at the end of the maze, she called to you again, “If you did find your way to my Manor, my heavenly keep; do you think that you could ever climb a wall that steep? If you had to climb my towering wall, I know for sure that you would fall. My wall that stands 1000 feet tall is as sleek as polished stone. This wall is now all that stands between you and the s     now call home, Do you dare even try, not knowing what truly lies beyond, on the other side?  Is this the point where you would lose heart, turning back to home? Would you stay and take a stand, or would you try to challenge me for a throne, in my magical land?

When you had crossed the wall and had found the bridge that crossed the moat, she called to you again, “If you managed to find yourself, on the other side, walking to the bridge, just down the way; do you think from your path, you would ever stray? My Keep is just as complicated as my maze to navigate with any certainty, of this you can be sure. If you made it thus far, you have not been killed, maimed or scared; count yourself as blessed, and stop to catch your breath. This is the largest of all your tests; can you make this one like you made the rest?”

.As you took your first step onto the bridge, she called to you again. “When you walk over the bridge and into the gate that is just past my moat; it is a chance you must take, that boards below you don’t just break. You may be surprised to see that the door, I have left opened for thee. The entrance is grand for sure, you shall see. The sight takes the breath from within you, leaving you feeling unsure you can ever continue. The winding staircase before you leads to the tower, in which I hide from you. When you look up, to see how far you must climb just to see me, you may become disheartened. The stairway ascends to what seems like an impossible height. To get to the top will takes days, surely many nights. With each agonizing step you take your legs will begin to ache. Can you take the pain and wait? Do you think this is a mission you should even try to take?”

From inside the keep, you could clearly hear her direction, as she calls down to you from the tallest tower in the keep. As you approached the top of the stairs her words echoed, in the halls, “If you should get thus far, you haven’t been tempted to stop, nor blinded by the light of temptation, or given up the faith in seeing the light. When you stand before my door, you will look and see; even if you do find me, you cannot take me by force or even see me, if that is my choice.  My door only opens from the inside out; it is designed to keep me in and you out. Would you knock and ask me your heart's deepest desire, or of this chase would you tire? Over the vast ocean, across the driest desert, thru a deceitful maze, over a sky scraping wall, across my still moat, up and endless flight of stairs to find only a door that you cannot breach, a woman you may never reach. Unless I let you thru, unless I want to see you, you cannot continue. If you came all this way and I refused to see you; tell me what would you do, what might you say?”

As you stood before the last door you could hear her voice loudly, as she called out to you. “If you did knock at my door, what tale would you tell, what story you would sell, to make me open the door and let you into thy mansion in the sky? How would you convince me that I am safe with you? What words would you use to assure me that you are true? Would you choose them with care? Would you challenge me with a dare? Truly, how would you complete this last task, would you scream and kick the door down with a blast? Would you beg and plead, just turn around and leave, or maybe even completely forever forsake thee? I just need to know, would you still stay or would you go?”

The silence was deafening when she was not speaking, but you did not say a word. She continued to speak through the door, “If I let you pass this way, you will never want to leave. This palace is blessed with white magic; it is pure, divine, and utterly sublime. With no anger, no malice and no hate this tower is a place that only angels wait. It is a one-way gate, to a life where there is no pain, sadness and hate. Could you give up all those long held notions of revenge and commotion? Would you trade all those unhappy days for a new life, with new ways?  Can you find a way to let go of all that grief, and finally seek some everlasting peace?”

From where you stand, you could see the breaks in light at the bottom of the door; showing you where she now stands. You could hear her breathing just beyond on the other side, as she calls to you again, “If you were to come inside, to look and see with me; do you wonder what you might observe. If you can imagine, the view from here is an amazing sight for sure. You can see for ten thousand miles, maybe even more, straight across the desert, to the ocean’s shore. The miles between here and there are filled only with blue skies and crystal clear air. There are days when the clouds are spectacularly white, and just as many nights when the stars are the only light. Could you take such a simple life? Would you want a life that offers you much more than pain and strife? Do you dream of a simple, uncomplicated life? Can you find a way to leave behind the shattered dreams of yesterday and replace them with new happy dreams of the morrow? “

Remaining silent on this side of the one way door, you sit patiently and wait. It isn’t long before she begins speaking her words again, “If you were to cross this threshold, to look from up here, at the world down there; it is sure to change you. The first of many beautiful things you would see is the wall that was so large to thee. My polished stone wall, that one you did crawl; from up here it looks only tiny and small. Wrapping its way around my heavenly mansion, it does the job of keeping us safe from any enemies who dare try to invade our lands.  Would you choose a life under its protection? Tucked away in my tower, behind my stone wall, you would be safe from that all. Can you imagine a life that is not filled with the troubles and pains of war? Could you part with all that madness, leaving behind all your sorrows and sadness?”

“If you were to choose a simple life of love and protection, in my tower, behind my wall, looking down at the land beyond; by far the most breathtaking sight to see, would have to be my maze of trickery. From here the view shows, miles and miles of bending, turning, twisting halls, together they give the illusion of solid walls. A mystery, a puzzle, can be difficult to solve while in the mists of the uncertainty of it all.  The true trickery of my walls, which appear to be so rigid, is with barely a touch each wall will instantaneously and forever dissolve. For those unwilling to try what they do not know, into my maze they do not go. Only the brazen, courageous and true, such as you, dare to venture the whole way thru. Behind my maze and beyond my wall, is the safest place of all. Do you truly seek, even just a little peek, at what I say is on the other side?  Beyond the door, between here and there is the place of which I speak; is this the place you truly seek? Could you learn to give your heart freely, give forgiveness upon request, and give to every day whatever your best may be? If this was all I asked of thee, and only a portion of what I offered thee, would you still seek this life with me?’

“If you really do seek simplicity, you truly do ardently desire a life where you are warmed by an eternal fire of a love that will never tire; behind my door is where you need to be. The view from here is simple in its most complicated form. Looking from my window, past my wall, beyond the maze, and into the desert, you can see. From my tower high up in the sky, the desert doesn’t even appear to be even a little bit dry.  The hot desert sands glimmer and shine in the distance, shimmering mirages cover the dry desert lands. Smart travelers such as you, avoid the temptation to stop or change course in search of the many false oases that riddle the desert lands. From up here, even the most brutally, dry and unforgiving places can be beautiful beyond mere words or brief descriptions. Knowing this, can you afford the cost of a change in perspective and create a new perception? After walking those desserts thru, can you even imagine that standing here and not there, you can change everything you believe about the desert to be true? Can your mind even fathom the thought of what it might be like, to see life through this view?’

“If you were able to see, that life here in the tower is actually the most beautiful and wondrous place to be, I would let you in with me. Looking out the window to the sea, from the tower hidden in the skies; you could truly live a life with no more lies; you could see life through these new eyes. We all know the dangers that lurk within the uncharted waters of the sea. The shore that is lined with jagged rocks and hidden sandbars; from this view, can appear to be a tiny blue line against the darkened horizon that sparkles, in the light of night stars.  In the tower, living in reality means; living a life accepting that even the ugly has some beautiful sides. It means knowing that where you stand in life, radically changes how you view what it is you see in life. Can you still tell me, you have seen everything there is to see, that there is nothing left I can show thee? Can you ponder a life where all these realities are real and exist just over the yonder?’

“If you ever have stopped just to wonder what life could be like if life were only perfect, then in my tower is where you need to be. In my tower, you wake every day to the most incredible, exotic and brilliant sights ever imagined possible. The view from here is ever changing, even though what you’re viewing may never change at all. Your perspective on life can be forever altered, with only one look at what I have to offer. If I offered you all this, if I answered your every wish, if I gave to you this utter bliss; would you give to thee more than just one kiss? Would you give up on all you assume to be true, if I could hand this type of life to you?”