The Crumbling Tower

Locked in the castle so many years ago, while the war raged on beyond the walls of our keep, she hoisted her flag and waited.. Thousands came to offer their assistance, one by one she turned them all away.. but the walls of her keep slowly were eroded and soon the sounds of war were beating at her door.. the castle shook violently and her heart pounded madly.. the was a call from outside her window... "Milady, do tell me your plan to leave if not with me, soon they shall be knocking at your very door..I will not be coming around this way to fetch you again"

I called out to him "Sir, I don't think I want to leave just yet."

"Milady, your castle is crumbling under attack you must trust in me and leave now before it is to late."

I looked out to him again "But, I don't want to leave, yet."

He called back, "But, you haven't a choice, now climb out that window and down that rope to safety.."

Looking down, I felt dizzy, but I climbed up on the ledge anyway, swung my legs out, wrapped the rope around my right leg, turned onto my belly and shimmied out the window and just hung there. "I don't want to come down there Sir.."

"Milady, just slide down here I assure you it is safe and I am waiting just at the end of the rope."

I was just hanging outside my window by a rope when I heard the crash of my tower door.. They were at the tower door already, I had to let go and when I did, I slid down the rope so fast I nearly fell right into my Knights hands.. "Oh thank goodness you finally came to your senses, you have been up there way to long already, let's go now.."

I didn't fight leaving the castle that day, instead I rode quietly away, making my escape, watching quite sadly as my keep crumbled to the earth..

"Don't worry Milady, you can always build a new home in a land that is not plagued with war"

"What saddens me Sir is not that my home is gone or that I have to rebuild, but is that the land I call home is so plagued with war.."

When a wall is really a door..

I had walked naked for miles and miles, days and many nights, through this empty barren world, only to find the maze of deceit, which one could only hope would lead me to the land called Inside Yourself to find the girl who resides there.. 

When I came to the wall of the maze, there didn't seem to be an opening anywhere to be seen, from where I stood it looked solid through and through in all directions, impossibly tall and terribly thick, patched with overgrowth and moss several inches deep.. 

I was so despaired, I thought I would weep..as I leaned my back against the wall, just about to sit and bawl, I suddenly began to fall.. fall I did, right through that green moss covered wall.. Looking around, I realized I had fallen into a long tunnel that appeared to extend infinitely for exactly the same distance at both ends... 

Sitting in crumpled heap on the rock hard ground "Well" , I said more to myself than the bird who had been following me for sometime, "The journey to "Inside Yourself" is forever long and full of many perils, not exactly a tourists dream vacation.. " 

I stood up and brushed the dirt out of my skin and reached out to touch the wall I had just fallen through... My hand just fell straight through, so I touched the wall behind me thinking this was the solid wall I would follow looking for a new door... and again my hand just fell through.. 

So I walked up and tried to look past the moss, sure enough it appeared to be only hanging there, giving the image of a wall, rather than really being a wall.. Everywhere I looked there was just moss overhanging and everywhere I pressed I could just push through... 

So I pressed on, walking through wall after wall of the maze of deceit, laughing at how much fear I had of this very maze as walked up to it from afar, picturing all the things that could happen if was lost in there forever.. 

It's amazing how sometimes a wall really is a door...

Behind the Mask

“All my life I have had to wear masks, a mask to fit in, a mask to hide the pain, and a mask to be loved. Well no more! This is my unveiling; watch closely as it may just send you railing. Underneath is so much more beautiful than the surface you find so appealing. Deep inside there is love that is burning, a desire to be free that is so great it leaves me yearning.”

“So today I shall show you all, who I can be, Who is me!”

“I am the girl that has remained hidden, to only but a few. When I show my true self, people fall in love, believe it they do. They do not fall in love with me; they fall in love with my person For I’m true and sweet, my love is unconditional, it is forever at your feet.” 

“Once my love is yours, it is yours to do with what you like. My love respects, it obeys, it listens as well as it hears, and it laughs as frequently as it tears. It’s built on a foundation of trust and like titanium it never rusts. You cannot break it, nor ever lose it, for it is something that never leaves you once you take it as yours”
“It will carry you when you are weak and catch you when you fall. When my love touches you, you know it; you will feel it and you will see it. It can knock you over, help you up, nail you to a cross or set you free. My smile is true and if I have given it to you, it is sure to change you.”

“When my masks fall away, you can see that behind them stands 
a woman of caliber”

“When no one would stand for me, I stood alone! Against an army of foes with Hell only inches from my toes,.  I did not cower. I have dangled off the roof top, and climbed back up”

“I am the woman, who has seen your worst and loved you anyhow. I am the woman, who has held you while you cried and stood behind you while you tried. I have held your hand and heart in mine for as long as time.”

“My masks I have broken, and with these words I have spoken. I hope that you will see me now, for who I am. Not for whom I have had to be, for she is different than me”

“I have reviled myself now that I’m safe to be free; I’m safe to be me. If you love me, then you will just accept me. Accept that today I come to you as me, not a reflection of what I used to be.”
“Take my love, know it’s complicated but, believe it is real.  Please, take the woman behind the veil”

The Journey Out

When I wake up in the morning my eyes open and suddenly I am confronted with thousands of images, each one representing a life choice that I made to bring me to today. 

Today is a very important day for me, although it’s probably just an ordinary day for most of you. Today celebrates year three of my new life. In my new life, I am free from answering to anyone for anything but myself. In my new life, when I make a mistake it is only me who will ask why. In my new life, no one has the right to question me, or is entitled to answers, no one person can make me do what I don’t want to do. No persons can abuse me; no persons can use me, no persona to tell me that my best wasn't good enough.

I lived 27 years in secret and in hiding, only sharing my thoughts and feelings with myself. For 27 years I kept my true intimate desires a secret, my true identity was always hidden. I’ve lived many lives in my short life here on earth, and always with someone else beating the drum to the tune that in-which I would march. For many years I thought I would never achieve freedom from persecution, and I often felt hopeless. Years of abuse and misuse of my soul eventually took its toll.

Three years ago today I sat in my bed and cried. I felt that I had no escape. I looked out the window and longed for a day just to taste what others felt every day of their lives. I yearned to free myself from the tangled web I had weaved. Stuck at the end of what seemed like the longest tunnel I have ever seen, I suddenly decided I was getting out. I would see that light someday.
One day at a time I began to change, it started with the change of mind. With a new mind set I began to make choices that now I can hardly believe I had done.

Day after day, I silently waited for the break in the darkness just to peek at the sun. Suddenly the tunnel ended and I was in a forest of new choices. Each branch that fell in my way I pushed aside. Each tree that stood in the way of my path, I fell. Fallen trunks littered the floor of the forest when I was done.

All the boulders that always seemed like unmovable objects suddenly were but, pebbles in my shoe. Running alone threw this forest for one year remaking the scenery to appear as I like. It has not been easy I have worked 28 days out of every month, each year just to pay the bills. I have carried a child on my back this whole way, always protecting her and stopping only when she tires. Our pace has been relentless as we cut through the night, just her and me. I have slept alone and woke even lonelier, I have refused to stop for even the smallest of my pleasures like dinner or a date. 

Today I know that all along I should have known what I know today. I don’t need a man, who will abuse me. I don’t need a sister that would use me, and I certainly don’t need a mother who I felt never rescued me. I need only the very beautiful things that I already have inside to provide. I know that, I am smart and beautiful and I deserve to be me. I know that although it looked scary from inside the tunnel, the forest is a much nice place to be. I know that although it has been hard, and almost seemed impossible at times, being free is worth every minute of the agony, pain and suffering I have had to endure to achieve this moment of Glory.

So if you’re alone and suffering in silence start walking down that tunnel one way or the other both ways lead out. When you reach the forest remember to stay on the path and move the objects in your way. Don’t change course, you must climb over, cut down and keep running.  The beast will challenge you and try to make you cower in fear. Know that his growl is so much greater than his bite. It will hurt and you will feel pain but, it is nothing in comparison to the freedom you will gain.

The Girl In the Meadow

Standing there watching her cry, wanting to reach out to her and ask her “Why?” Knowing I can do nothing but wait for it to subside. My head surged with pain as I looked in at her, so sad on the other side, on the inside. Looking to the mirror in my hand…
The finest laced brass wraps the edge of my looking glass, into the reflection I stare, hopelessly looking in there; I call out to her in whisper.

“Child, have I taught you not? Haven’t we been here before? Come to the mirror, ask me the questions in your heart and cry no more.”

She looks up and out at me then sobs sadly ‘Where have you been? I thought you left me alone again?’
”Never are you alone ever again, remember we are to be together until the very end.”

Staring up into my eyes she says ‘I do not remember tell me once more, how I came to be inside the mirror? This time I shall never forget ever again..

“K you were born into this world to serve a great purpose, a long time ago you cast a spell. A young caster in the middle of the wood, you carried your mothers mirror out to brook, with you that night you took two candles, one black and one white. In K’s meadow during the middle of night, you began to sing a beautifully sad song, then the candles you did light. Your words made from magic, you did not yet understand, reached the angels and they put you in the mirror where you now stand.” 

Looking down into the mirror from aside the bubbling brook, her tear hit the glass and slid to the brass rim. ‘Will I ever return to the see the other side, or am I destined to always be on the inside?’'


She smiles softly and says,

“It is you who cast the spell that protects you; it was you who wished to hide from all the ones who neglect you. It was you who wished to forget you, when all you had to do was accept you.”

Her face appeared streaked behind the looking glass; her eyes were green blue like the ocean as she stared up at me and said ‘Who is me K now? Am I Krissy? Am I Kristen? How am I to decide without knowing?’

“Must it always be one or the other, can you not be all three of them? Either way you must decide when it time for you to come from within, to be one on the other side. I shall give you this key, it will last you until eternity. This key will be the way you can always find me. When you’re ready to be one and decide whom you will be, place the key around your neck, look into the mirror and say “Mirror, Mirror in my hand I have chosen where I stand.”

“With that I leave you child until next time” the girl in the mirror faded into my own reflection and I examined the key. It hung from a titanium chain, was made of white gold, it was jeweled with black and white diamonds. I put the necklace around my neck and said” Mirror Mirror in my hand, I have chosen where I stand”

Suddenly there I stood in my own kitchen I was no longer in my reflection, my daughter on the couch as if none of it had ever happened. I walked up to my bedroom and looked around the calendar read May 26, 2010.  I was kind of a little bit scared at what might find. Everything looked so pretty a very nice house, not a sign of anyone other than Angelina and me. Then there in the mirror on the wall reflected back at me- Kristen Krissy and K.

This Large World..

Something must have happened I am not quite sure what. However something strange appeared in the meadow where I stood on October 29th 2009. I am not quite sure what made it occur but, the effect it had on me was enormous for sure. I was suddenly face to face with three intelligent energy forces and without anyone’s lips moving this information was passed to me.

The world is large and vast, and full of painful memories of the past. Everywhere we turn we see something to remind of us of that painful memory. It lingers like dew on the grass and fog in the distance, deceiving you into believing its gone only to reappear suddenly out of nowhere.

In this Large World there are many people, of many different types, some are smart while others beautiful, all tormented by something. Some things they are scared of are real, while others are not. Most of the things they are scared of relate to the pains of the past, most of them are aches that last and last.
Most of the people in this Large World live in houses, as they are the best way to live. People can build houses, houses are built from thought. Thought into the Large World by people, the house is a place to share a common space, to have your own space, to share your imagination and information. Here in the house almost anything is possible.

People in the houses that are built by the people in the Large World, can share things like love and thoughts, imagination and information. They can hold one another thru dark storms, and can comfort one another when the other is sad. These people can choose to join the others or hide from their mother, sisters and brothers.
In the House, in the Large World, People live together some in harmony while others do not. In some houses the parents loved one another while in others they spent no time together and always fought. In some houses children flourished while in others the children wilted like trees with no sun. In some of these houses, some of the children became so full of pain, they too became much like the home they came from. Confused, chaotic, full of pain, tormented, divided, spilt, segmented and fragmented into separate parts of a whole.

They suddenly became a container for many people of various ages, with many needs and different styles. One day instead of growing like some of children of the Large World, they spilt into two, then three and soon five by twenty-three. With each new need the brain begins to create a new weed, to keep the seedling safe from harm and the impending storms. Except instead of keeping the seed safe, they actually keep her alone. Like a flower cut off from the sun and water, she begins to wilt even before her day has begun.
She starts to feel as though things are delayed, and can’t clearly remember what bills she paid. She starts to feel numb and a little afraid.  The things that should feel familiar suddenly feel as though they are brand new. Her confusion starts to muddle her brain and emotions are starting to boil, like an over done stew. She looks around and realizes that is all a dream. There is no reason to fear as no real harm comes here.

She is on the inside looking out as if from a jar. From her window, up the stairwell in the tallest tower in the keep she watches. There she sits behind the maze of women pretending to be her, all of them claiming with equal sincerity the she is me. Hearing only what she wants to, the “Queen of our Heart” tells us what we may know. She is in control of the charade; she tells me what I need to have and where I need to go.
It does seem as though; all things possible in the physical home are possible as well in the spiritual home for the unsafe soul of a child confused and scared. In the house of the fragmented mind there are many people who can share thoughts and comfort one another. There are many people who fight and cannot tell the difference between wrong and right. They can share thoughts and will, they can feel certain things and have different feelings on the same topic.

They can be male or female, they can be sweet or sour, these Actors can be just like the real you or just the opposite, they can mimic your mother or make you feel like you are your Dad, and you may even look like your bother. They can be smart or handicap, taller or shorter, they can even have opposing wants at the same time. They can take control of the physical self and project their will onto the spiritual self. It can leave you feeling helpless and ashamed, or worse leave you with no feelings or no memories at all. No sense of self goes un-maimed and your heart is always pained.

Each person resides in their individual room; each has their own space in time, with their own memories painted on the walls of their room. Each person in a Room, in the Mansion that is formed of thought and thought alone has a function. They all have their own personal belief system and memories in which to process the events that are laid before her eyes. Each person in the room has lived their own life and has their own needs; each has their own heart aches as well.
All the persons in the Rooms share the same Memory Storage Unit Space “The Foundations” and have equal useable Capacity. They share a common foundation, and each time the Mansion is fragmented it is divided and split evenly again.

 Each Room has their own prompt command to bring them front and center. Each room is aware of its own existence and occasionally knows or suspects the presence of others. Each room can exists side by side or as a separate entity depends on if a door for communications was built. The room can be unaware that it’s only a small room inside a mansion of large rooms or completely aware of the whole mansion.
One experience can be split over many rooms, or confined to only one room. Like a play set that is placed on a center axis, it spins as the curtains open and close, with a new set before you in a blink of the eye. The actors look the same but they are wearing different clothes, standing in opposite positions, saying contradicting statements.

 As the play goes on the actors switch sets, leaving their memories in the rooms in which they originate. They don’t look back or remember the last set; they just carry on as if they only ever existed in this room and never intend to leave it ever. When they do leave it, they are unaware that their props have changed, unaware of the contradictions they said in the previous scene. When they are asked to recall they don’t, they run back to the room they were in.  Unaware of the switch of sets or clothes, they jump back into the last room and start that set again.

It’s a large scale play, with shape shifting actors that play the roles of me in my life. It is most defiantly, a charade, it is a set that is switched by the audience and the environmental safety of the set. We can communicate within our mind and share our imagination or not. Together we create the illusion of a whole, and only a few can tell who is who, as we are most convincing. We are indeed at the mercy of their thoughts and desires. No doubt if left alone to ponder, we will crumble under the weight of impossible contradictions of my soul.

 Now if you can imagine the Foundation, the Ground of My Being, or The Memory of My Essence, of my Mansion of Rooms is spilt into as many pieces as the My Mansion. Each piece of the foundation is holding a valuable piece of weight to support the structure of the Mansion of Rooms within me. None of the pieces of foundation are aware of the rest of the pieces of the foundation. Each piece can feel the full weight of the mansion but cannot see it. None of the rooms are aware of the divisions in the foundation as well as the divisions in the house. Each piece of the foundation still feels the weight of the entire structure regardless.
When the earth shifts in the Large World and a break occurs. The pieces of the foundation become jumbled like a kaleidoscope it changes before your very eyes.  “The Foundation” that seemed so solid becomes fluid, all pieces move with the slightest nudge. Past Present, Future, heartaches, life struggles, fears, memories, dreams, and real life becomes one in a half of second. All this happening on what feels like Big T.V right behind the eyes in the mind.

The visual processing center is flood with action signals and ole factory responses are vivid and feel so real. The mind tries to make sense of the onslaught of information, the brain tries to process the levels of feelings as the neurotransmitters connect with activity, flooding your body with feeling, it’s tries to give it a name, define its origin, fact or fiction with object identification, reasoning and memory. With only that small unconnected memory system the foundation will vibrate searching for answer. With-out an answer or an out let it will re send the same signal to the foundation over loading and eventually shutting down to maintain stability.

This is where it cripples the mansion decision making ability, as it fails to send the next bit of information to the next room. Like a broken thermostat system in the central air at home will over heat the whole house one room at a time, this same thing happens in the Mansion of Rooms in my mind as it tries to create a unified memory or self-idea. They all send signals for cold air, and after just a while they are all only receive a tiny bit of warm air. The decision making center is now out of commission as it did not have enough information to decide it will just kick on neutral.
Then I was alone in the meadow again, just 6 years old, confused, alone and scared I started to cry loudly...Read the next page here http://www.kaytjewels.com/2013/02/the-girl-in-meadow_27.html#more

The Wisdom of the Angel in My Mirror..

Days pass and I return to her in the mirror. I pick up the mirror fingering the brass lace on the edge of the glass. I gaze into her and say,

Mirror, mirror in my hand give me the guidance to understand. Today my question is to you, What does make an Angel so strong and never ever weak?”

She sighs softly as her eyes take on a faraway look,

‘The world doesn’t spin on its own. You know it also has forces at work that are unseen and unknown. These forces move us thru the galaxy always on course with our fate. This is also true about us as well; we are but a small part of a large system at work in the world.’

‘They say, all things happen for a reason.  I know you know this is so, as you have managed to retain all things we have learned despite your faulty memory system.  You have not forgotten the lessons of our elders nor the ones from your forgotten past. You see the world thru tear stained eyes, you know that even in our deepest sorrow there will be a valuable piece of the puzzle.   If, we are wise enough to look for knowledge within our pains, only then we can easily see these pitfalls in the future and successfully avoid repeating them again. Some of the deepest lessons you have learned about the people in the world, are the very things that make our angels.’

She paused and thought a minute and then continued,

‘Powerful people are people who have learned the art of patience and the folly in a false sense of urgency despite the speedy pace of the world. Wonderful people are people who have learned the art of withholding judgments, yet still possess an ability to view things objectively. Beautiful people are people who have learned to see, the most beautiful things in life are free and cannot be held, only appreciated when received.’

‘Deep people are people who value and understand silence as well as they understand and value the power of the word. Strong people are people who can withstand the force of temptation to give in to their worst thoughts about themselves, and yet can still acknowledge these parts exist. Intelligent people are people who can articulate and actualize their deepest thoughts and imaginations into existence. Wise people are just persons who have learned the value in sharing the knowledge they have learned with others.’

‘Rich people are people who learned that money can’t buy the things that make them happiest. Honest people are not always people who always tell everything they know, they are people who tell it as they honestly know it to be true, when asked. Humble people are people who never acknowledge the part they play however never fail to play their part to the best of their ability.’

‘Possibly the best lesson we have learned about  the people in “this large world” is that all the other people that do not fit into one of the above mentioned categories are but young learners. They are not evil, just because they are jealous or deceitful. Nor are they bad because they are vain or materialistic. Just as they are not stupid simply because they have not learned some of the hardest lessons there is to learn in this life.’

‘They are just spiritual beings, just as us. They also are just playing out the lessons “The Creator” has set before us humans to learn before we can ascend to the heavens. They too must find their way thru their individual path to become a great spiritual teacher in the sky. They too must live and learn to be a human before their spirit will die to become an angel and learn fly.

Looking deep now almost past the mirrors reflection, I say to her: “So thru human trails and tribulation come forth the angels you so often speak about “

Then she says in a fading voice,

‘No a human, that learns to see their way thru all the many trials and tribulations of humanity without losing their spirit or selling their soul to escape it, they are our angels. This is all I may tell you now about our path to the next realm. At this time you must find a way to do as I say, as it is the only way. Always remember that path that leads to the next realm doesn’t look as though it is paved, smooth with gold most often it looks dark, untraveled and lonely.’

 Just as fast as she appeared she disappeared and I was alone again with my mirror in hand.

I say to the world.. “Did you hear what she just said or am I the only one who can understand her meaning?”