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Showing posts with label Poetry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Poetry. Show all posts

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Glass House

I am on the inside looking out. 
Living in a room with only walls
There are no doors on this glass house. 
I know you see me; palms pressed against the pane.
Seemingly silent as I search for my escape. 
Clearly you see what I am saying
Though I spoke no words to hear.
I am a mime in a glass box.
You may not see the walls that constrain me

But I can still show you they are there.


Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Speechless

I was drifting around. 
Perhaps looking for something that will never be found.
Clearly lost. 
I was standing in an alley of mirrors and smoke.
A mindful of words. 
But there was nothing I could say.
I tried to call out. 
Except when I opened my mouth to speak not a single word was spoke.
I tried to scream. 
But the words caught in my throat. 
The more I tried to talk the more I started to choked.
My lips moved silently as my hands flailed violently. 
Emotions quietly weeping from my eyes.
I am a mime whose happily painted face expresses sadness. 
A mime madly motioning about my madness.

I am a doll. 
A marionette on strings. 
Seemingly dancing as I swing. .

Friday, June 5, 2015

Risk

I had came to the end of the road.

A place where the land met the sea.

I looked left. I looked right.

Although there was no where left to go, I didn't let that stop me.

The picture of you in my mind

Full of those feelings I try to hide.

All those words surging up inside

I leapt upon the divide and pushed myself off cliff-side

I was prepared for the flight

I pulled my arms and legs in tight

Rolling over twice, before I opened into a graceful dive.

I had thought I would die, but in truth, I never felt so alive.

Flying through the air. 

Eyes wide open, yet blissfully unaware.

No resistance holding me back, only gravity taking me down.

I felt so high. I felt so free. 

Hands parting the glassy sea

The cold waters touch crashing me to reality

I couldn’t fight it anymore

I was sinking to the depths of the ocean floor.

Images of you burning the lids of my eyes

A wolf in sheep’s disguise


All your words, all your lies


Your love lifted me up

But now it will be my demise.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Fire and Ice

I was in shock. Silent tears rolled down my face as I stood in silence, watching in awe, from my window in the tower. It seemed the fire would claim all the beauty from my world and take the wall I had built with my bare hands. The miles of green mountain brush beyond the wall was quickly engulfed in flames of red, orange and yellow.

The darkest night my lands ever saw was brightened only by the flame that threatened to extinguish me. Clouds of smoke billowed into the sky, smothering out the bright moonlight. The wind blew hard to the east and a smoke wall spread out to veil the twinkling night stars. Soon the only light left to see was the burning embers of my beloved rose labyrinth burning just beyond a wall of smoke and ice...

All too soon, the wild fire ripped through the rest of the mountains side and approached my towering ice wall. As the wall of fire caressed the ice wall, explosions erupted and the sound of the ice wall shattering reverberated through the mountain side. I inwardly cringed at the hissing and cracking sound that resounded through the courtyard below as the fire melted the ice and ice drowned the fire... 

I ran down the tower stairs and across the gate that bridged the moat. I stood there naked and defenseless without my ice wall surrounded by a smoldering ring of embers and smoke. Although it sounded so far away, I became aware of a piercing scream sounding loudly through the air around me. I looked up from my grief, expecting to see where the noise was coming from. I was surprised to find the sound of pain was escaping from me.

Crumbling to my knees, I reached to the ground and sifted the ashes of my soul through my fingers. I lay back in the field of ash and looked up on the darkened heavens.  My head rolled to the side and closed my eyes, causing the tears that were burning my eye lids to roll down my cheeks, fall to the ground and mix with ash and dirt upon which I lay. It was a long time before I opened my eyes again, but when I did I wasn't alone.

I awoke to the suns blazing heat and the sound of a woman speaking.

"Do you think she is dead morning bird?"

"Chirp Chirp"..sounded a bird.

I felt her hands on my shoulder, lightly shaking me awake, desperately she called to me, "Girl... Girl from Inside Yourself, please wake up"

My eyes flitted open.  I was shocked to be confronted with my own face staring down at me... 



Friday, January 31, 2014

Seeking the Girl from Inside Yourself

My heart bleeds, my tears flowed, and the pain dam burst.. flowing from me, it all spilled out into the vastness of the world around me..As it all seeped out, I thought the world would drown in my blood and tears...crumpled in a naked heap, a bundle of madness, a mess of sadness, I just let it all go.... 

As it left me, the pain ebbed a little, and I started to drift into a peaceful lucid dream.. where I saw the girl. She was running on the beach, an ocean of my tears, her footprints washed away with each lap of the rolling tide... I ran to catch up to her, "Hey Wait Up! I have been looking for you!.." 

She acted as though she couldn't hear me and kept running down the beach.. and I ran faster and faster, screaming louder and louder, but seemingly never made any headway... 

"Hello, Girl from Inside Yourself, Please Help Me!" and she stopped, turned and called back to me... "Well, Hello again, we have been waiting for you..walk with me..

Seemingly, only two steps later we were walking silently side by side.. which was so strange because I felt like I had run ten miles just a minute or so ago and not gotten anywhere close to her.. "Girl, I'm so confused this all seems so bizarre and unreal, why am I walking naked through the world?"

There was a long pause before she spoke and the gentle lapping of the ocean filled the silence.. "Because to find the Girl Inside Yourself you must bear yourself to the world.. As frightening as it is, it is within the reflection of your Journey you will find her and not a moment before the journey is done. We must keep going, keep seeking and searching this whole world through to find the girl called you.." 

Just then, she walked onto the water and beckoned me to follow.. As if I was weightless and the water was ice, I followed her blindly across the foggy ocean surface, never sinking or splashing, never did the waters surface even ripple as we walked together...quietly seeking.. The Girl from Inside Yourself..

The Crumbling Tower


Locked in the castle so many years ago, while the war raged on beyond the walls of our keep, she hoisted her flag and waited.. Thousands came to offer their assistance, one by one she turned them all away.. but the walls of her keep slowly were eroded and soon the sounds of war were beating at her door.. the castle shook violently and her heart pounded madly.. the was a call from outside her window... "Milady, do tell me your plan to leave if not with me, soon they shall be knocking at your very door..I will not be coming around this way to fetch you again"

I called out to him "Sir, I don't think I want to leave just yet."


"Milady, your castle is crumbling under attack you must trust in me and leave now before it is to late."

I looked out to him again "But, I don't want to leave, yet."

He called back, "But, you haven't a choice, now climb out that window and down that rope to safety.."

Looking down, I felt dizzy, but I climbed up on the ledge anyway, swung my legs out, wrapped the rope around my right leg, turned onto my belly and shimmied out the window and just hung there. "I don't want to come down there Sir.."

"Milady, just slide down here I assure you it is safe and I am waiting just at the end of the rope."

I was just hanging outside my window by a rope when I heard the crash of my tower door.. They were at the tower door already, I had to let go and when I did, I slid down the rope so fast I nearly fell right into my Knights hands.. "Oh thank goodness you finally came to your senses, you have been up there way to long already, let's go now.."

I didn't fight leaving the castle that day, instead I rode quietly away, making my escape, watching quite sadly as my keep crumbled to the earth..

"Don't worry Milady, you can always build a new home in a land that is not plagued with war"

"What saddens me Sir is not that my home is gone or that I have to rebuild, but is that the land I call home is so plagued with war.."

Time is a Precious Gift

Time is a Precious Gift

Life is a succession of now’s appearing within the mind to be seamlessly intertwined to create a dimension of reality we call time. In reality we are indefinitely confined to the present moment in time. 


There can be no fast-forward and there will be no rewind. Now is the only malleable moment in time. 


Truly, the past and future can only be seen within the observers mind. Yesterday is forever gone and tomorrow is always looming near, but the only place in space-time we physically exist is here.

Unless extraordinary, any given moment will in the next moment certainly be forever lost to your past -for even in memory an ordinary minute in time will never last. Just as soon as this moment has come it too will soon pass.

Long before you are ready, well before you are prepared a grain of sand will fall all the way through to the bottom of the glass. The next “now” moment will begin, but know it will never last.

Time is passing imperceptibly right before our very eyes. We are often deceived by our own minds lies. Spending most of lives foolishly believing that there is way more time to give than we actually have to spare.

Do not be disillusioned. Time may appear to be infinite while we are young, but I assure you, the amount we are all given is truly finite in sum.

If we only knew how much time we really had, well then choices would be so easily had. There would be little question as to how much time we have to share, who to spend it with, what to do and where.

But time is uncertain and misleading at best. Time can go incredibly fast or remarkably slow, but just how much one has we can never know.

Drifting forward, ticking on and on, hour by hour, day after day, time is just ticking our minutes away. From the moment we are born until our very end, the arrow of time endlessly and uncontrollably ascends -peaking in speed just before it abruptly ends.

Time is the most valuable gift indeed, share it wisely, but do not waste it blindly- for time is just way more precious than you could ever know.

Kay T. Jewels



Thursday, September 12, 2013

The Price of War

When the sound of the clashing arms died down, and the doubles of the Queen withdrew from battle, the silence on the battle field was as deafening as the sounds of war that raged here just days before. 


The queen is watching from her tower


"My lord, I never meant for all this to happen, I was just seeking peace.."

"Since when has war brought peace, Milady?"

Turning my back to him,

 "Since when, has peace ever come before war? I built this castle with my own hands, brick by brick, I built that wall that protects our people, I have tended to every wounded soldier that has stumbled across those gates, and slain every dragon that dare breathe fiery breath upon us..I waited for you... I waited in my castle, I sought refuge from the war, I wanted naught to do with all of this, all in the name of peace, but war still fell upon my door. The beast came knocking, calling my name, what you have me do, let them take what is mine, kill our people, let them take my life?" 

"Milady, I told you to stay in the tower, not slay an entire village of townsmen, I told you, to leave the war to people. It is not your battle, war is no place for a lady, I have given you an army to fight wars for you and yet you leave the safety that which is here." 

"Well, My Lord, the war has carried on for years and years, my army was growing tired and thin in numbers, besides, war is over now." 

Relaxing as his arms embrace me,

"Milady, they will rebuild and come back, they will pound the doors down, they will keep coming until you surrender… You must surrender to stop the war, you cannot just keep slaughtering the innocent men who have been sent by the King to fetch you" 

"My Lord, you joke with me, you know this will never happen. I will slay the entire nation of men before I ride to my own death in the hands of one man" 

"Then what are you fighting to save, if not the free people...who are you serving then? If you want the war to stop, if you want to have peace, you have to leave the tower, you must surrender" 

"Not a chance, My Lord, I'll die here in the tower or on the battle field, I will have it no other way."


"Milady, this is my last word before I take my leave, How do you even know the King means to kill you? He may have plans that are to your liking, he may mean to offer you some great honor, you have no idea...but stay in the tower if that is what you wish."

That war began a long time ago and the Queen of Arms took cover within her keep. Of course, at the very top of a seemingly never ever ending staircase, beyond the un-breachable doors of her brick wall, she is hiding in the tallest tower of them all..

She stands, peeking out her window, where she can see, over the oceans and past the vast sea, far beyond the driest deserts, well past the maze of deceit, and over her towering wall..

She is parched with thirst, her lips are dry, heart beating fast, deep breaths with long shallow exhales..

Residing below the surface, burning deep inside, there is a feeling that she tries to hide.. an itch, she is dying to scratch, a craving, longing, a never-ending yearning...and it leaves her hurting, passionately needing...

She is dying to surrender, to set asunder caution and abandon all constraints..it's eating her from the inside out, breaking her down, consuming her mind, one thought at a time.. it leaves her wanting... 

For a long time she has been in the tower, silent...with an army of doubles defending her keep...



but, by now she is wanting and needing a release...just a brief escape from the constant drone of war that goes on just beyond her door... even the Queen of Arms needs a respite sometime.. 

Suddenly the queen spoke... "A long time ago, I ran into my castle, shut my door, and let the war rage on beyond my door." 

"My heart pounding, back against the door, crouched on the floor, I began to ponder the significance of war." 

"I have been fighting in a war, one in which I do not believe in. One in which, I feel the world is against me and I am alone, one that makes you look upon on your own with suspicions of treason. The clash of metal, the bang of my blade against the shield of the demons who sought to steal my soul; the noise was as deafening as the silence that has befallen upon me." 

"Looking at the blood on my blade, seeing the faces of those who have fallen before it, feeling numb, that was when it hit me, and I start to laugh and half hysterically I cried out" 


"Funny thing about being at war.. When you are on the sidelines watching, you worry and are filled with dread and fear. However, when you are actually in the battle field, swinging your blade through your enemies heart, fighting the war, you rarely think the outcome will be anything but that victory you desire. It’s after, when you are alone, in a deathly silence, that the spirits of dead fill your head that really start to lose your mind."

Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Girl In the Meadow

Standing there watching her cry, wanting to reach out to her and ask her “Why?” Knowing I can do nothing but wait for it to subside. My head surged with pain as I looked in at her, so sad on the other side, on the inside. Looking to the mirror in my hand…
The finest laced brass wraps the edge of my looking glass, into the reflection I stare, hopelessly looking in there; I call out to her in whisper.

“Child, have I taught you not? Haven’t we been here before? Come to the mirror, ask me the questions in your heart and cry no more.”


She looks up and out at me then sobs sadly ‘Where have you been? I thought you left me alone again?’
”Never are you alone ever again, remember we are to be together until the very end.”


Staring up into my eyes she says ‘I do not remember tell me once more, how I came to be inside the mirror? This time I shall never forget ever again..


“K you were born into this world to serve a great purpose, a long time ago you cast a spell. A young caster in the middle of the wood, you carried your mothers mirror out to brook, with you that night you took two candles, one black and one white. In K’s meadow during the middle of night, you began to sing a beautifully sad song, then the candles you did light. Your words made from magic, you did not yet understand, reached the angels and they put you in the mirror where you now stand.” 




Looking down into the mirror from aside the bubbling brook, her tear hit the glass and slid to the brass rim. ‘Will I ever return to the see the other side, or am I destined to always be on the inside?’'



She smiles softly and says,

“It is you who cast the spell that protects you; it was you who wished to hide from all the ones who neglect you. It was you who wished to forget you, when all you had to do was accept you.”


Her face appeared streaked behind the looking glass; her eyes were green blue like the
ocean as she stared up at me and said ‘Who is me K now? Am I Krissy? Am I Kristen? How am I to decide without knowing?’

“Must it always be one or the other, can you not be all three of them? Either way you must decide when it time for you to come from within, to be one on the other side. I shall give you this key, it will last you until eternity. This key will be the way you can always find me. When you’re ready to be one and decide whom you will be, place the key around your neck, look into the mirror and say “Mirror, Mirror in my hand I have chosen where I stand.”

“With that I leave you child until next time” the girl in the mirror faded into my own reflection and I examined the key. It hung from a titanium chain, was made of white gold, it was jeweled with black and white diamonds. I put the necklace around my neck and said” Mirror Mirror in my hand, I have chosen where I stand”


Suddenly there I stood in my own kitchen I was no longer in my reflection, my daughter on the couch as if none of it had ever happened. I walked up to my bedroom and looked around the calendar read May 26, 2010.  I was kind of a little bit scared at what might find. Everything looked so pretty a very nice house, not a sign of anyone other than Angelina and me. Then there in the mirror on the wall reflected back at me- Kristen Krissy and K.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

This Large World..


Something must have happened I am not quite sure what. However something strange appeared in the meadow where I stood on October 29th 2009. I am not quite sure what made it occur but, the effect it had on me was enormous for sure. I was suddenly face to face with three intelligent energy forces and without anyone’s lips moving this information was passed to me.

The world is large and vast, and full of painful memories of the past. Everywhere we turn we see something to remind of us of that painful memory. It lingers like dew on the grass and fog in the distance, deceiving you into believing its gone only to reappear suddenly out of nowhere.

In this Large World there are many people, of many different types, some are smart while others beautiful, all tormented by something. Some things they are scared of are real, while others are not. Most of the things they are scared of relate to the pains of the past, most of them are aches that last and last.
Most of the people in this Large World live in houses, as they are the best way to live. People can build houses, houses are built from thought. Thought into the Large World by people, the house is a place to share a common space, to have your own space, to share your imagination and information. Here in the house almost anything is possible.

People in the houses that are built by the people in the Large World, can share things like love and thoughts, imagination and information. They can hold one another thru dark storms, and can comfort one another when the other is sad. These people can choose to join the others or hide from their mother, sisters and brothers.
In the House, in the Large World, People live together some in harmony while others do not. In some houses the parents loved one another while in others they spent no time together and always fought. In some houses children flourished while in others the children wilted like trees with no sun. In some of these houses, some of the children became so full of pain, they too became much like the home they came from. Confused, chaotic, full of pain, tormented, divided, spilt, segmented and fragmented into separate parts of a whole.

They suddenly became a container for many people of various ages, with many needs and different styles. One day instead of growing like some of children of the Large World, they spilt into two, then three and soon five by twenty-three. With each new need the brain begins to create a new weed, to keep the seedling safe from harm and the impending storms. Except instead of keeping the seed safe, they actually keep her alone. Like a flower cut off from the sun and water, she begins to wilt even before her day has begun.
She starts to feel as though things are delayed, and can’t clearly remember what bills she paid. She starts to feel numb and a little afraid.  The things that should feel familiar suddenly feel as though they are brand new. Her confusion starts to muddle her brain and emotions are starting to boil, like an over done stew. She looks around and realizes that is all a dream. There is no reason to fear as no real harm comes here.

She is on the inside looking out as if from a jar. From her window, up the stairwell in the tallest tower in the keep she watches. There she sits behind the maze of women pretending to be her, all of them claiming with equal sincerity the she is me. Hearing only what she wants to, the “Queen of our Heart” tells us what we may know. She is in control of the charade; she tells me what I need to have and where I need to go.
It does seem as though; all things possible in the physical home are possible as well in the spiritual home for the unsafe soul of a child confused and scared. In the house of the fragmented mind there are many people who can share thoughts and comfort one another. There are many people who fight and cannot tell the difference between wrong and right. They can share thoughts and will, they can feel certain things and have different feelings on the same topic.

They can be male or female, they can be sweet or sour, these Actors can be just like the real you or just the opposite, they can mimic your mother or make you feel like you are your Dad, and you may even look like your bother. They can be smart or handicap, taller or shorter, they can even have opposing wants at the same time. They can take control of the physical self and project their will onto the spiritual self. It can leave you feeling helpless and ashamed, or worse leave you with no feelings or no memories at all. No sense of self goes un-maimed and your heart is always pained.

Each person resides in their individual room; each has their own space in time, with their own memories painted on the walls of their room. Each person in a Room, in the Mansion that is formed of thought and thought alone has a function. They all have their own personal belief system and memories in which to process the events that are laid before her eyes. Each person in the room has lived their own life and has their own needs; each has their own heart aches as well.
All the persons in the Rooms share the same Memory Storage Unit Space “The Foundations” and have equal useable Capacity. They share a common foundation, and each time the Mansion is fragmented it is divided and split evenly again.

 Each Room has their own prompt command to bring them front and center. Each room is aware of its own existence and occasionally knows or suspects the presence of others. Each room can exists side by side or as a separate entity depends on if a door for communications was built. The room can be unaware that it’s only a small room inside a mansion of large rooms or completely aware of the whole mansion.
One experience can be split over many rooms, or confined to only one room. Like a play set that is placed on a center axis, it spins as the curtains open and close, with a new set before you in a blink of the eye. The actors look the same but they are wearing different clothes, standing in opposite positions, saying contradicting statements.

 As the play goes on the actors switch sets, leaving their memories in the rooms in which they originate. They don’t look back or remember the last set; they just carry on as if they only ever existed in this room and never intend to leave it ever. When they do leave it, they are unaware that their props have changed, unaware of the contradictions they said in the previous scene. When they are asked to recall they don’t, they run back to the room they were in.  Unaware of the switch of sets or clothes, they jump back into the last room and start that set again.

It’s a large scale play, with shape shifting actors that play the roles of me in my life. It is most defiantly, a charade, it is a set that is switched by the audience and the environmental safety of the set. We can communicate within our mind and share our imagination or not. Together we create the illusion of a whole, and only a few can tell who is who, as we are most convincing. We are indeed at the mercy of their thoughts and desires. No doubt if left alone to ponder, we will crumble under the weight of impossible contradictions of my soul.

 Now if you can imagine the Foundation, the Ground of My Being, or The Memory of My Essence, of my Mansion of Rooms is spilt into as many pieces as the My Mansion. Each piece of the foundation is holding a valuable piece of weight to support the structure of the Mansion of Rooms within me. None of the pieces of foundation are aware of the rest of the pieces of the foundation. Each piece can feel the full weight of the mansion but cannot see it. None of the rooms are aware of the divisions in the foundation as well as the divisions in the house. Each piece of the foundation still feels the weight of the entire structure regardless.
When the earth shifts in the Large World and a break occurs. The pieces of the foundation become jumbled like a kaleidoscope it changes before your very eyes.  “The Foundation” that seemed so solid becomes fluid, all pieces move with the slightest nudge. Past Present, Future, heartaches, life struggles, fears, memories, dreams, and real life becomes one in a half of second. All this happening on what feels like Big T.V right behind the eyes in the mind.

The visual processing center is flood with action signals and ole factory responses are vivid and feel so real. The mind tries to make sense of the onslaught of information, the brain tries to process the levels of feelings as the neurotransmitters connect with activity, flooding your body with feeling, it’s tries to give it a name, define its origin, fact or fiction with object identification, reasoning and memory. With only that small unconnected memory system the foundation will vibrate searching for answer. With-out an answer or an out let it will re send the same signal to the foundation over loading and eventually shutting down to maintain stability.

This is where it cripples the mansion decision making ability, as it fails to send the next bit of information to the next room. Like a broken thermostat system in the central air at home will over heat the whole house one room at a time, this same thing happens in the Mansion of Rooms in my mind as it tries to create a unified memory or self-idea. They all send signals for cold air, and after just a while they are all only receive a tiny bit of warm air. The decision making center is now out of commission as it did not have enough information to decide it will just kick on neutral.
Then I was alone in the meadow again, just 6 years old, confused, alone and scared I started to cry loudly...Read the next page here http://www.kaytjewels.com/2013/02/the-girl-in-meadow_27.html#more

Thursday, February 21, 2013

The Girl in the Mirror

Every day I encountered the girl in the mirror with skepticism but, her smile was so inviting and her conversation so stimulating. She spoke as if she knew my intimate thoughts and desires. Her face was not of mine, it was slightly different in an alluring kind of way. She had a way of calming my anxiety and soothing my fears with her wooing ways. 

It was not long before I went looking for her when I was worried or scared. She was so comforting and she seemed to have all my answers. How could it be that the mirror knew me? How could the mirror have the answers to my heart? It was tearing me apart and making me mad. To look at the mirror and not recognize the girl who stared back. To not feel the feelings she was telling me I had.


Who was that girl in the mirror, and where did she go? Who are you, and why are you here? You’re not so nice and hardly pretty at all. Why did she leave, and where have you come from? I hadn’t a clue that there were more of you... 


“Well of course you can’t forget about me. There is you and her, and then of course there is me. That is what makes us three.”  The older woman in the mirror said to me. 


“What do you mean us and three I thought it was only her and me?” I replied to her in my head


“Well of course can’t you see? You can’t live without me. I inspire you to go on when you are about to expire, I stay awake when you tire, I scream out when you are angry, and I protect you from all hazards and dangers. I help you make tough choices and hard decisions. I take all your pain and make you feel none. I hide all those terrible secrets while you know just one. Can’t you see you need me as well as her and twice as much as far as I can see?”


“Ha, Ha she only says that cause she can. Why don’t you shut her up for good? She has always been a rotten little goodie too shoes. Kissing ass and being all prim and proper, making everyone think she’s sooo good. Well.. She might be smart and cold as ice but she isn’t nice or sexy like me. She’s a prude, as well as a tight ass, never has any fun. Doing things the right way doesn’t always pay. In fact the odds are against the nice guy. I mean if she was in charge we still be virgins, with no friends at all” Said the beautiful woman staring back


“Well…” I said suddenly aware it was my turn to comment “I think you both are great, but will you get the fuck out of my head?”

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

My First and Last Day

Trying to find the words to describe how I felt then realizing that there were none. The pain so deep, the sadness so great, I went deep into myself, into my soul. I heard the words and saw the actions, but I just could not comprehend. Where did the love go, why was it all gone, will it ever be okay again? It grieved me, it pained me, and almost broke me.

Was it all an illusion, did you only feed my delusions; my mind was spinning in revolutions’. In that moment I was humbled, I had been broken, my spirit was crumpled. My legs felt weak beneath me, my feet felt like lead on the ground, but the girl inside my head said,



"Run child, run fast, don’t stop until you are free, do not look back not even for me run, run, run child quick with me"


So I set my feet on the floor, I looked around to set my path. Without another thought, I ran as fast as I could. One foot in front of the other and suddenly I felt like was flying. Feet pounding on the ground, slamming the cement, heart racing, and adrenaline pumping I went on.
The pain in my heart eased a little with each step. The rain hitting my face felt like ice but I felt little of it as I ran the whole night through. Tears streaked my face the wind burned my cheeks, but it did not stop me. I just kept running until the breath ran right out of me. I did not look back, I just ran blindly, wet with rain and tears, filled with pain and fears.


When the sun came up, I fell asleep in the park.  When my eyes closed from fatigue the world grew dark behind my eyes. Then a bright light in darkest dark I had ever seen appeared to me 
He came close enough to me that I could see his familiar eyes. He said to me without ever even blinking or changing his smiling expression.


“Everything seems so dark right now, times seem so gray. Do not lose your way, do not let the pain and sadness block out the light. Don’t give up the fight.  Look around for signs that I am near, for I am with you every breath you draw. You are never without me, I am always here, always near, I am everywhere. Do not have fear, you may feel alone and sad, but I promise this won’t always be the way. Some day you will be with me, you will think of these terrible times you had and won’t remember the pains you have had. “ I cried out in my sleep, I moaned and begged him to come for me. He did not take me.


When I woke, the sun had fallen behind the horizon and the sky was filled with pink and yellow streaks. A calm had come over me, nevertheless my heart was heavy, yet it seemed possible to go on. The pain almost felt gone, I was numbed in such a way that I could not explain.



I didn't realize that day when I woke, with those first words I spoke, that it had all but gone away. It felt like they were all in place, but really what I had done was locked them in that special space. I was a clean slate, and I was no longer was filled with only hate. I had managed to forget the pain, but all the facts still remained. What an odd feeling it was to wake up one day, and not have a memory of your own personal history. To not really notice that I didn't remember why I was so sad for so long, like I did that day. To just know that you are who you are, because you know it. Not because you remember what made you what you are.


Ten years came and past before anyone but me knew anything about the mirror and me.



Sunday, February 17, 2013

Where you'll find me



Turning around, she walked over to the window and opened it. Leaning out, she peered down at the moat below; from here it appeared not to be moving. The stillness of the water’s surface belied the true danger that lurked below. From this view, the wall that surrounded the keep looked small, despite its true towering size. Just past the wall, an endless maze that stretches as far as her eyes could see. From this view, life was splendid; the world was quiet and unmoving. Screaming out the window, into the vast empty space between here and there, her words echoed through the air, “Here I can be me; here I am safe to be free, as here it is only me.” Staring at the horizon, past the wall that surrounds her keep, over the maze that stretches to the desert, she can almost see you.
As you approached the beginning of the maze, she calls out to you, “If you managed to traverse the ocean, cross the desert, and found the gate to my endless maze; would you still continue? For if you do, you are sure to get lost along the way. My maze is alarmingly deceitful; it can be hard to say which way to go. My maze is mind-bendingly complicated; it’s even harder to know which way is right and when to say no. Walls so high in every direction; can you not see, there is no way you will ever find me?  The entire maze is filled with walls, they all look the same, each corner looks like the one before last. Each new door looks like the one you just passed. Do you think that you would make the whole journey though? Do you think you could last? Would you do this just for me, or is this all for you?”
When you approached the wall that lies at the end of the maze, she called to you again, “If you did find your way to my Manor, my heavenly keep; do you think that you could ever climb a wall that steep? If you had to climb my towering wall, I know for sure that you would fall. My wall that stands 1000 feet tall is as sleek as polished stone. This wall is now all that stands between you and the s     now call home, Do you dare even try, not knowing what truly lies beyond, on the other side?  Is this the point where you would lose heart, turning back to home? Would you stay and take a stand, or would you try to challenge me for a throne, in my magical land?
When you had crossed the wall and had found the bridge that crossed the moat, she called to you again, “If you managed to find yourself, on the other side, walking to the bridge, just down the way; do you think from your path, you would ever stray? My Keep is just as complicated as my maze to navigate with any certainty, of this you can be sure. If you made it thus far, you have not been killed, maimed or scared; count yourself as blessed, and stop to catch your breath. This is the largest of all your tests; can you make this one like you made the rest?”
.As you took your first step onto the bridge, she called to you again. “When you walk over the bridge and into the gate that is just past my moat; it is a chance you must take, that boards below you don’t just break. You may be surprised to see that the door, I have left opened for thee. The entrance is grand for sure, you shall see. The sight takes the breath from within you, leaving you feeling unsure you can ever continue. The winding staircase before you leads to the tower, in which I hide from you. When you look up, to see how far you must climb just to see me, you may become disheartened. The stairway ascends to what seems like an impossible height. To get to the top will takes days, surely many nights. With each agonizing step you take your legs will begin to ache. Can you take the pain and wait? Do you think this is a mission you should even try to take?”
From inside the keep, you could clearly hear her direction, as she calls down to you from the tallest tower in the keep. As you approached the top of the stairs her words echoed, in the halls, “If you should get thus far, you haven’t been tempted to stop, nor blinded by the light of temptation, or given up the faith in seeing the light. When you stand before my door, you will look and see; even if you do find me, you cannot take me by force or even see me, if that is my choice.  My door only opens from the inside out; it is designed to keep me in and you out. Would you knock and ask me your heart's deepest desire, or of this chase would you tire? Over the vast ocean, across the driest desert, thru a deceitful maze, over a sky scraping wall, across my still moat, up and endless flight of stairs to find only a door that you cannot breach, a woman you may never reach. Unless I let you thru, unless I want to see you, you cannot continue. If you came all this way and I refused to see you; tell me what would you do, what might you say?”
As you stood before the last door you could hear her voice loudly, as she called out to you. “If you did knock at my door, what tale would you tell, what story you would sell, to make me open the door and let you into thy mansion in the sky? How would you convince me that I am safe with you? What words would you use to assure me that you are true? Would you choose them with care? Would you challenge me with a dare? Truly, how would you complete this last task, would you scream and kick the door down with a blast? Would you beg and plead, just turn around and leave, or maybe even completely forever forsake thee? I just need to know, would you still stay or would you go?”
The silence was deafening when she was not speaking, but you did not say a word. She continued to speak through the door, “If I let you pass this way, you will never want to leave. This palace is blessed with white magic; it is pure, divine, and utterly sublime. With no anger, no malice and no hate this tower is a place that only angels wait. It is a one-way gate, to a life where there is no pain, sadness and hate. Could you give up all those long held notions of revenge and commotion? Would you trade all those unhappy days for a new life, with new ways?  Can you find a way to let go of all that grief, and finally seek some everlasting peace?”
From where you stand, you could see the breaks in light at the bottom of the door; showing you where she now stands. You could hear her breathing just beyond on the other side, as she calls to you again, “If you were to come inside, to look and see with me; do you wonder what you might observe. If you can imagine, the view from here is an amazing sight for sure. You can see for ten thousand miles, maybe even more, straight across the desert, to the ocean’s shore. The miles between here and there are filled only with blue skies and crystal clear air. There are days when the clouds are spectacularly white, and just as many nights when the stars are the only light. Could you take such a simple life? Would you want a life that offers you much more than pain and strife? Do you dream of a simple, uncomplicated life? Can you find a way to leave behind the shattered dreams of yesterday and replace them with new happy dreams of the morrow? “
Remaining silent on this side of the one way door, you sit patiently and wait. It isn’t long before she begins speaking her words again, “If you were to cross this threshold, to look from up here, at the world down there; it is sure to change you. The first of many beautiful things you would see is the wall that was so large to thee. My polished stone wall, that one you did crawl; from up here it looks only tiny and small. Wrapping its way around my heavenly mansion, it does the job of keeping us safe from any enemies who dare try to invade our lands.  Would you choose a life under its protection? Tucked away in my tower, behind my stone wall, you would be safe from that all. Can you imagine a life that is not filled with the troubles and pains of war? Could you part with all that madness, leaving behind all your sorrows and sadness?”
“If you were to choose a simple life of love and protection, in my tower, behind my wall, looking down at the land beyond; by far the most breathtaking sight to see, would have to be my maze of trickery. From here the view shows, miles and miles of bending, turning, twisting halls, together they give the illusion of solid walls. A mystery, a puzzle, can be difficult to solve while in the mists of the uncertainty of it all.  The true trickery of my walls, which appear to be so rigid, is with barely a touch each wall will instantaneously and forever dissolve. For those unwilling to try what they do not know, into my maze they do not go. Only the brazen, courageous and true, such as you, dare to venture the whole way thru. Behind my maze and beyond my wall, is the safest place of all. Do you truly seek, even just a little peek, at what I say is on the other side?  Beyond the door, between here and there is the place of which I speak; is this the place you truly seek? Could you learn to give your heart freely, give forgiveness upon request, and give to every day whatever your best may be? If this was all I asked of thee, and only a portion of what I offered thee, would you still seek this life with me?’
“If you really do seek simplicity, you truly do ardently desire a life where you are warmed by an eternal fire of a love that will never tire; behind my door is where you need to be. The view from here is simple in its most complicated form. Looking from my window, past my wall, beyond the maze, and into the desert, you can see. From my tower high up in the sky, the desert doesn’t even appear to be even a little bit dry.  The hot desert sands glimmer and shine in the distance, shimmering mirages cover the dry desert lands. Smart travelers such as you, avoid the temptation to stop or change course in search of the many false oases that riddle the desert lands. From up here, even the most brutally, dry and unforgiving places can be beautiful beyond mere words or brief descriptions. Knowing this, can you afford the cost of a change in perspective and create a new perception? After walking those desserts thru, can you even imagine that standing here and not there, you can change everything you believe about the desert to be true? Can your mind even fathom the thought of what it might be like, to see life through this view?’
“If you were able to see, that life here in the tower is actually the most beautiful and wondrous place to be, I would let you in with me. Looking out the window to the sea, from the tower hidden in the skies; you could truly live a life with no more lies; you could see life through these new eyes. We all know the dangers that lurk within the uncharted waters of the sea. The shore that is lined with jagged rocks and hidden sandbars; from this view, can appear to be a tiny blue line against the darkened horizon that sparkles, in the light of night stars.  In the tower, living in reality means; living a life accepting that even the ugly has some beautiful sides. It means knowing that where you stand in life, radically changes how you view what it is you see in life. Can you still tell me, you have seen everything there is to see, that there is nothing left I can show thee? Can you ponder a life where all these realities are real and exist just over the yonder?’
“If you ever have stopped just to wonder what life could be like if life were only perfect, then in my tower is where you need to be. In my tower, you wake every day to the most incredible, exotic and brilliant sights ever imagined possible. The view from here is ever changing, even though what you’re viewing may never change at all. Your perspective on life can be forever altered, with only one look at what I have to offer. If I offered you all this, if I answered your every wish, if I gave to you this utter bliss; would you give to thee more than just one kiss? Would you give up on all you assume to be true, if I could hand this type of life to you?”