Porcelain Doll

I am that porcelain doll
Left resting on a dusty shelf

Once someones special edition 
Now I am just stuck in this one position

Too cracked to fix
Too beautiful to cast out

I've become a fixture of the wall
Just another of the collector’s dolls

Something to have
Something to own

No longer the favored toy.
I just sit on this dusty shelf alone.

Seeking the Girl from Inside Yourself

My heart bleeds, my tears flowed, and the pain dam burst.. flowing from me, it all spilled out into the vastness of the world around me..As it all seeped out, I thought the world would drown in my blood and tears...crumpled in a naked heap, a bundle of madness, a mess of sadness, I just let it all go.... 

As it left me, the pain ebbed a little, and I started to drift into a peaceful lucid dream.. where I saw the girl. She was running on the beach, an ocean of my tears, her footprints washed away with each lap of the rolling tide... I ran to catch up to her, "Hey Wait Up! I have been looking for you!.." 

She acted as though she couldn't hear me and kept running down the beach.. and I ran faster and faster, screaming louder and louder, but seemingly never made any headway... 

"Hello, Girl from Inside Yourself, Please Help Me!" and she stopped, turned and called back to me... "Well, Hello again, we have been waiting for you..walk with me..

Seemingly, only two steps later we were walking silently side by side.. which was so strange because I felt like I had run ten miles just a minute or so ago and not gotten anywhere close to her.. "Girl, I'm so confused this all seems so bizarre and unreal, why am I walking naked through the world?"

There was a long pause before she spoke and the gentle lapping of the ocean filled the silence.. "Because to find the Girl Inside Yourself you must bear yourself to the world.. As frightening as it is, it is within the reflection of your Journey you will find her and not a moment before the journey is done. We must keep going, keep seeking and searching this whole world through to find the girl called you.." 

Just then, she walked onto the water and beckoned me to follow.. As if I was weightless and the water was ice, I followed her blindly across the foggy ocean surface, never sinking or splashing, never did the waters surface even ripple as we walked together...quietly seeking.. The Girl from Inside Yourself..

The Crumbling Tower

Locked in the castle so many years ago, while the war raged on beyond the walls of our keep, she hoisted her flag and waited.. Thousands came to offer their assistance, one by one she turned them all away.. but the walls of her keep slowly were eroded and soon the sounds of war were beating at her door.. the castle shook violently and her heart pounded madly.. the was a call from outside her window... "Milady, do tell me your plan to leave if not with me, soon they shall be knocking at your very door..I will not be coming around this way to fetch you again"

I called out to him "Sir, I don't think I want to leave just yet."

"Milady, your castle is crumbling under attack you must trust in me and leave now before it is to late."

I looked out to him again "But, I don't want to leave, yet."

He called back, "But, you haven't a choice, now climb out that window and down that rope to safety.."

Looking down, I felt dizzy, but I climbed up on the ledge anyway, swung my legs out, wrapped the rope around my right leg, turned onto my belly and shimmied out the window and just hung there. "I don't want to come down there Sir.."

"Milady, just slide down here I assure you it is safe and I am waiting just at the end of the rope."

I was just hanging outside my window by a rope when I heard the crash of my tower door.. They were at the tower door already, I had to let go and when I did, I slid down the rope so fast I nearly fell right into my Knights hands.. "Oh thank goodness you finally came to your senses, you have been up there way to long already, let's go now.."

I didn't fight leaving the castle that day, instead I rode quietly away, making my escape, watching quite sadly as my keep crumbled to the earth..

"Don't worry Milady, you can always build a new home in a land that is not plagued with war"

"What saddens me Sir is not that my home is gone or that I have to rebuild, but is that the land I call home is so plagued with war.."

When a wall is really a door..

I had walked naked for miles and miles, days and many nights, through this empty barren world, only to find the maze of deceit, which one could only hope would lead me to the land called Inside Yourself to find the girl who resides there.. 

When I came to the wall of the maze, there didn't seem to be an opening anywhere to be seen, from where I stood it looked solid through and through in all directions, impossibly tall and terribly thick, patched with overgrowth and moss several inches deep.. 

I was so despaired, I thought I would weep..as I leaned my back against the wall, just about to sit and bawl, I suddenly began to fall.. fall I did, right through that green moss covered wall.. Looking around, I realized I had fallen into a long tunnel that appeared to extend infinitely for exactly the same distance at both ends... 

Sitting in crumpled heap on the rock hard ground "Well" , I said more to myself than the bird who had been following me for sometime, "The journey to "Inside Yourself" is forever long and full of many perils, not exactly a tourists dream vacation.. " 

I stood up and brushed the dirt out of my skin and reached out to touch the wall I had just fallen through... My hand just fell straight through, so I touched the wall behind me thinking this was the solid wall I would follow looking for a new door... and again my hand just fell through.. 

So I walked up and tried to look past the moss, sure enough it appeared to be only hanging there, giving the image of a wall, rather than really being a wall.. Everywhere I looked there was just moss overhanging and everywhere I pressed I could just push through... 

So I pressed on, walking through wall after wall of the maze of deceit, laughing at how much fear I had of this very maze as walked up to it from afar, picturing all the things that could happen if was lost in there forever.. 

It's amazing how sometimes a wall really is a door...

The Journey to Inside Yourself

Introduction…

Walking naked that day, seeking answers, blindly boldly traveling down the way... I have walked and walked on this empty road to nowhere, endlessly seeking on the road never ends it just forever twists and bends.....I heard a voice call to me..

"For every question under the sun, there will be an answer or there will be none.. let not your wonder go unattended, feast your eyes upon the resolution....However, you should know, the answer is utterly insignificant, as unquestionably, the answer is always really found in why we seek the answer to the question to begin with, but do not stop your ponder until you have obtained your own absolution, just keep seeking"..

The day passed on to night and I was stumbling naked down the dark road between here and there when I saw a street light ahead. It seemed so close, but still took what felt like the better part of an hour to reach.

When by complete happenstance I come upon a bridge. I looked over the bridge into the still water below and start to ponder this all."How the hell did I get here?"

The water rippled, and my reflection spoke to me, "Well, you walked of course." '

I laughed uncontrollably, at the humor of my own reflection, and called back "Well, why in God's name would I walk all this way, naked in the dark and lost?"

The water rippled and my reflection called back, "Because you can, and for this reason, you will keep walking until the very end of that road, and at the very end, you will surely see, that it is okay to continue on, even naked, lost and at night "

"Well.." I called back, " I just want to let you know, I think this is all insane! Just a really insanely stupid thing to try and test...."

I was about to walk away when she called to me, "You have an army at your side, that only you refuse to see, believe and keep walking, it is going to be just fine.."

I just walked away and called into the darkness that engulfed me as I left the only light..."Either I have lost my mind or I am dreaming. Clearly this is not real, she is not real, none of this is real, this is just another of my insane dreams that will end soon, I'll just keep walking and I will wake up soon, I will just keep walking.." I just kept walking on and on. In truth, I may have turned back, but I hadn’t a clue where I had come from or even where I was going, where going back went to or even where going forward would lead me to.

The Journey to Inside Yourself

Looking up the wall of ice and the ice picks in my hand, I felt for sure I would never escape this cold death. But, you be dam sure I would die trying before I froze here with the tools to save my life in my hands.

Looking up to a height that ascended past my vision, my heart pounded, I drove the ice pick into the ice wall and the sound of the shattering ice filled the valley where I stood... Again and again, I stabbed the icy wall as I climbed out of the frozen hell.. I promised myself I would not look down, so I couldn't tell how far I had come. But the climb went on and on and night fall came before I reached a respite.What I thought was the top was only a small overhang, the next climb was twice as long, and twice as steep, The fear swept through me as I thought of climbing through the night with only the stars to guide me, but only for a moment as soon a quiet war waged on inside me and the climb began...

"I am going to get out of here... not even the darkest night would stop me from climbing.. I got places to go and things to see, and freezing here, alone in the cold, naked in the dark isn't one of them."

My arms grew tired and I begged myself for strength to make the last of the journey. The unmistakable dead weight of my legs grew heavier as the climb went on. But I climbed on and on until my arms felt as though they would break if I moved them. Then I just hung there praying... praying... breathing and praying for what felt like eternity...Then the wind touched the back of my neck, I opened my eyes and started to climb, almost without fear, just quietly climbing the ice wall that was there. I was finally at peace with the pains that ached within me as I climbed, numb and silent, I stabbed that ice wall...

The sun came up and climbed on... Soon I came to a long break in the ice wall. It was wide enough for me to climb into, so I wedge myself between it and while I was sitting there I carved my name into the ice.. "Kay Titanium Jewels" and I ate the ice that broke away..My laughed echoed through the ice canyon, as I climbed on. "I so got this wall, it may be twice as big, but I so got this.” I stabbed that icy wall over and over that day, on and on I climbed that wall.Just a day ago, I thought the light and color of life would never return. But alas, the sun came round world and back to warm my face again. As the golden streaks of sunlight peaked upon the horizon, my fear ebbed and I crawled over that last ice wall and entered the frozen desert that I had thought I would never reach...

Never had I been so grateful to see the flat barren lands that stretched before me for as far as I could see. As the ice turned to hot sand beneath my feet, the warmth thawed my skin and blood return to my toes..But still, I was grateful for the burning sensation of pain as I knew this meant I was alive...As I walked nearly blinded by the sun through the desert, the scorching sand on my feet burned and blistered my skin. However, it didn't matter.. I just kept walking naked through the desert heat...

I needed to rest, but to lie down now was to risk never getting up again. I needed to find water, shade, and shelter from the cold night that would come when the sun fell beyond the horizon. I was thirsty, parched and sunburned from head to toe but I walked on and on. Alone in the desert heat, with no reference behind or in-front me to tell how far I had come, I couldn't tell exactly how far I had gone or where the ice wall was from here, but I could tell from the sun that my hours of daylight where numbered. Soon I would be relieved of the heat and frozen once again if I didn't make it out of the desert soon.

My legs felt as though they I had been walking for years, my toes burned and my feet sunk deeper with each step kicking sand up as I walked on and on.Far off in the distance I saw a flicker of green among the shimmering white..As I walked forward the dark spot on the horizon it grew bigger and bigger and soon I was walking in fields of green, out of the desert and into the forest. For sure it was really real, I had reached the end of the desert, stumbled into the forest and there before my eyes was a crystal lake so wide that I couldn't even see the other side.

I reached the edge and bent over, looking upon my sunburned windblown reflection, I spooned myself some water and drank thirstily. Never had the water felt so good on my lips, tasted so sweet in my mouth, I drank it gluttonously, taking as much into my mouth as I could, bending into the water and splashily splashing onto my burning skin, and eventually sinking myself into the crystal lake to cleanse the pain from my body..The cold water on my sunburned and blistered skin felt so revitalizing and renewing, like a glove of cool salve on a blistered hand...

After my swim, I pulled myself from the water and lay down on a sun warmed rock to dry, my eyes shut and my breathing slowed, for a long while, I was quiet and thoughtful. Even after I opened my eyes, I just lay their marveling the stars and peace became me. It was something that even with all my fancy words I couldn't describe. That moment when you know, it's going to okay... even walking naked, lost and through the dark, it was going to be just fine.

It seemed the world was empty, everywhere I wandered, all the places I had pondered, I could not find her anywhere. I searched and searched those barren lands, day in and day out, out of the ice canyon, through the dry frozen desert, into the forest, and beyond...I stopped upon the edge of the river that I had been following for days, I stooped down low to drink from the water, and as the water cascaded through my fingers it pooled on the rock where I sit.I looked into the puddle that had formed on a large smooth rock and was surprised to see the girl's face right inside.

"Oh my! I had no idea that you were in there, I have been looking for you everywhere.."

When the girl spoke, her voice seemed so familiar and yet so vastly different that anything I had ever heard before, "I have been neither very far behind, nor very far in front you, I am always inside you."

"You said this before, but I haven't a clue what that means"" I cried to her, "Please, can't you just tell me how to find you, it is such a long way and I am scared here without you."

"You are never without me, the only way to find me is open your eyes and look upon yourself" The tear rolled off my face and into the puddle, just a small splash, but the girl was gone and I was alone again.

I looked up at the sky and screamed, "This is so maddening, where in this empty barren world is inside yourself!" the sound of my own voice echoed through the world, but is was still only me, not a single other sound of movement was heard, not one bird chirped, nothing.. just me

I have been wondering naked, through an empty world, a frozen ice that led to the deserts burning sands, to this forest looking for place called "inside yourself" for days and days, and had only seen the girl I seek once in all that time.. in a puddle nonetheless. I was tired of walking along this river that never ends to this place that seemingly can't be found, looking for a girl that quite possibly never even existed to begin with.."Clearly I have gone insane looking for a girl that doesn't exist, this is all just another crazy dream."

I sat down, looked upon the yonder and begin to silently ponder the ways I could find my way to "inside yourself" but truthfully, I had not a clue what to do...If I knew where I was going, this might not have been such a challenge, but as it stood, I could quite possibly wonder this godforsaken land looking forever and ever and never find Inside Yourself.

I saw a floating stick pass by the river my way, suddenly and for reasons even I can’t explain, I bounded to my feet and dove into the water to bring it to shore. However, it was much bigger than I anticipated and moving much faster that I thought, so instead I just lay-atop of the log and let it carry my swiftly down river.

"Well, one can only I hope to have caught a ride to this place called "inside yourself" and not further away...but either way this sure beats walking.."

Floating naked down the endless river, staring at the sky, floating seemingly faster and faster each moment, I became aware the roaring sound that sounded similar to the sound of elephants running on the ground. I looked around and didn't see anything, but the sound got louder and louder, until suddenly the horizon in-front of me turned into white roaring foam, and at the exact moment I realized what was happened, I suddenly was falling through the sky...

Over the waterfall, I went, falling through the air for what felt like miles but surely wasn't -I started to pray, and just when I felt the water touch my skin I pushed all the air out of my lungs and quickly swallowed all the air my little lungs could take.. I was swiftly submerged so deep, with no way to tell what way was up and how to get to air, I just prayed and prayed. I open my eyes to see which way the bubbles from my mouth were going...

I was still sliding deeper and deeper and the bubbles were flowing above my head, I suddenly touched the bottom and there was serenity about me.. My ears and lungs felt as though they would burst, but I stopped trying to fight the pain in my lungs. The water falling from above just keep pushing me down, I pushed off the bottom and tired to swim but I got nowhere. The last of my air was trickling out of my mouth.  I wanted to scream, but I couldn't, so I just relaxed. I couldn't fight it anymore, I watched the scenes of all the places I had been looking for "inside yourself" passed before my eyes until everything went dark...Just as the flash went out, the brightest light I had ever seen appeared before my eyes...and the Queens Double appeared to me to give me her very last breath, and soon, I was sputtering and coughing water out of my mouth at the waterside...somewhere very far  from where I had fallen...

I pulled myself upon the water’s edge in the meadow where I found myself, and lay there for a long long while.. I was tired and scared; I just couldn’t help but cry. Tears flowed down my face as the pain dam burst inside. Flowing from me, it all spilled out into the vastness of the world around me..As it all seeped out, I thought the world would drown in my blood an tears...crumpled in a naked heap, a bundle of madness, a mess of sadness, I just let it all go.... 

As it left me, the pain ebbed a little, and I started to drift into a peaceful lucid dream where I saw the girl. She was running on the beach, an ocean of my tears, her footprints washed away with each lap of the rolling tide... I ran to catch up to her, "Hey Wait Up! I have been looking for you!.." 

She acted as though she couldn't hear me and kept running down the beach.. So I ran faster and faster, screaming louder and louder, but seemingly never made any headway... 

"Hello, Girl from Inside Yourself, Please Help Me!" and she stopped, turned and called back to me... "Well, Hello again, we have been waiting for you.. Take a walk with me..

Seemingly, only two steps later we were walking silently side by side.. This was so strange because I felt like I had run ten miles just a minute or so ago and not gotten anywhere close to her.. "Girl, I'm so confused this all seems so bizarre and unreal, why am I walking naked through the world?"

There was a long pause before she spoke and the gentle lapping of the ocean filled the silence.. "Because to find the Girl Inside Yourself you must bear yourself to the world.. As frightening as it is, it is within the reflection of your Journey you will find her and not a moment before the journey is done. We must keep going, keep seeking and searching this whole world through to find the girl called you.." 

Just then, she walked onto the water and beckoned me to follow.. As if I was weightless and the water was ice, I followed her blindly across the foggy ocean surface, never sinking or splashing, never did the waters surface even ripple as we walked together...quietly seeking.. The Girl from Inside Yourself..

When I woke up I had no way to know which way to go from here. The thought of moving one more muscle without first having good direction as where I was going, was not one I was going to face..For days I lay there, watching the sun come and go, bringing with it the cool breeze of night and later the morning light.. On day seven, I saw a little morning bird nearby that seemed to be watching me as I lay there defeated.  I began to talk to the morning bird.

"Well, hello Morning Bird, I think at some point long ago I lost something valuable. I am not sure what it was or where I was going, I am not sure if it twas the fear of climbing the ice wall with only the ice picks, the blistering heat of the desert, or maybe something the during the fall.. but I have no idea how I got to here, from where I came, or even where I am going.. Do you know where am I going, what am I doing, or even who I am..?"

"Whooo-whooo" the bird called..

"Me neither, morning bird, me neither.."

"Whooo-whooo" the bird called.

When the sun peaked at its highest point, I rolled over and looked into the water’s edge and there was a girl staring back at me.

"Why Hello, who are you?"

"I am your guide- you are walking naked to find the girl "inside yourself", you cannot sit here any longer, you must keep walking.

"But, why... Why am I am walking, where am I going and when will this all end"

"You must find the girl inside yourself to find the answers to these questions""

I reached into the water to touch her, but when my hand touched the still water’s surface, the bird chirped, and the girl faded into my reflection..

"Whooo-whooo" the bird called..

"Okay Morning Bird, we will keep walking... but you lead the way"

The bird jumped off the branch and flew to a tree nearby and I followed...

"Whooo-whooo" the bird called.. and when I got to the tree where she was, she flew to the next tree and called to me "Whooo-whooo"

"Surely, Morning Bird, this is the craziest dream I ever did have..waking naked through the meadow following a bird to far away land called "Inside Yourself"..I do hope you lead me to "Inside Yourself" soon"

"Whooo-whooo" the bird called..

Halfway through the meadow, she sat upon a fallen log, on the edge of the path and looked the crisp leaves that had fallen from the tree above...

"Whooo-Hooooo" morning bird called.

"Ohh Morning Bird, I am so very tired, it is such a long journey to "inside yourself". We haven't seen the girl in twenty days and twenty nights.. I am not so sure we are even headed in the right direction anymore.."

"Whooo-hooo" Morning bird called.

"Oh Morning Bird, how are we to ever find the girl from "inside yourself" now?"

Morning Bird jumped off the branch where she was perched, and trotted around on the ground at my feet... "Whoooooo-hoooooooo, Whoooooo-hoooooooo, Whoooooo-hoooooooo..." Chirping her song, as she pranced around my feet and then flew to a tree down the way...and called to me again..

"WHoooo whooooo"

"I do not want to walk anymore Morning Bird... I do not want to go on, this is insane.. I have been walking naked in the meadow, blindly following a bird, to a place called "inside yourself", seeking a girl that may not exist.. and I have no idea where I am going..."

"Whoooooo-hoooooooo" she called me..

I jumped to my feet, waking to the sound of her morning bird call... "Okay, Morning Bird, here I come, but I am trusting on you to lead me to the girl who resides at the place called "inside yourself"..

"Whoooooo-hoooooooo"

After a while longer, we reached the other side of the meadow, and stood at the top of a hill looking over the land below. Looking down, scanning the horizon, suddenly my eyes fell upon the most peculiar thing I had ever seen... Here in the middle of nowhere was a maze of walls, built around what appeared to be a tiny castle, that seemed so small and far away...

"Oh my, Morning Bird, do you really think we can make it through that..."

"Whoooooo-hoooooooo, Whoooooo-hoooooooo"...

"Do you think that castle is "Inside yourself", do you really think the girl is there?

"Whoooooo-hoooooooo, Whoooooo-hoooooooo"she called to me as she flew above...

"I guess we shall soon see Morning Bird.."

I had walked naked for miles and miles, days and many nights, through this empty barren world, only to find the maze of deceit, which one could only hope would lead me to the land called Inside Yourself to find the girl who resides there..

When I came to the wall of the maze, there didn't seem to be an opening anywhere to be seen, from where I stood it looked solid through and through in all directions, impossibly tall and terribly thick, patched with overgrowth and moss several inches deep..

I was so despaired, I thought I would weep. As I leaned my back against the wall, just about to sit and bawl, I suddenly began to fall. Fall I did, right through that green moss covered wall.. Looking around, I realized I had fallen into a long tunnel that appeared to extend infinitely for exactly the same distance at both ends...

Sitting in crumpled heap on the rock hard ground "Well" , I said more to myself than the bird who had been following me for sometime, "The journey to "Inside Yourself" is forever long and full of many perils, not exactly a tourists dream vacation.. "

I stood up and brushed the dirt out of my skin and reached out to touch the wall I had just fallen through... My hand just fell straight through, so I touched the wall behind me thinking this was the solid wall I would follow looking for a new door... and again my hand just fell through..

So I walked up and tried to look past the moss, sure enough it appeared to be only hanging there, giving the image of a wall, rather than really being a wall.. Everywhere I looked there was just moss overhanging and everywhere I pressed I could just push through...

So I pressed on, walking through wall after wall of the maze of deceit, laughing at how much fear I had of this very maze as walked up to it from afar, picturing all the things that could happen if was lost in there forever..

It's amazing how sometimes a wall really is a door...

The Transformation

I looked down and saw my magic looking glass. I picked it up. I looked deep into my own eyes then said “Mirror, Mirror in my hand, show me now what is your wonderful plan.”

Her beautiful face now reflected back as my own, I was no longer a child now I was all grown.

“K once a child on the inside of a looking glass now you’re free to make your own path. Forget the past as it over, move on from the dreams that do not last. This is the life you were meant to live. I’m here in your magic mirror, should you need my guidance all you must do is ask. All things can be known to you but, your own past. In this life you must trust your heart to follow the path where ever it may take you. Trust in my words to give you guidance and always lead you. I promise you this; I will never ever leave you.”

“These are the things you must know about your person.  I have named the Kay, as it is K that has been hidden from everyone all along. K is the girl who sung a sad song and Kay is the woman you have grown to become. It is true that you are no longer just one, you are three in addition to the person you now call me. Titanium is our middle name to represent the strength of Krissy within us, she is strongest shield ever given to that which is still living. Krissy feels no pain she is the one who will work towards all you hope to gain. “Jewels” is the last name I have chosen for you. It is to represent Kristen, as she carries your “Jewels” whatever you may find them to be. She shall not let anyone touch thy treasured chest; she will protect you until long after death. ”

“Do not forget with your new found power and beauty, the road here was long and fraught with danger. Do not look back and wish to remember. It is ok to forget. You had to grow to be smart, before you could grow strong enough to withstand the sight of your own beauty. Do not use your talents unwisely; do not do things you know you will later regret. ”

‘So I just go on and live a life as Kay T Jewels? How do I know when is the right time? How will I know who is the right one, and how will I know what to do?’

“Look with your eyes open wide but not looking for anything in particular and you will see everything. Stop hiding in the looking glass and live your life as you wish it to be and all will be as it should. Listen to hear what they are really saying but never forget to speak as well. The best time is now, the best person is who you are with now, and best thing to do is what you are already doing now. Go be with the one you love most.”

I left the mirror on my bed, walked down the stairs and grabbed my little angel into a great big hug. I kissed her little head and then I said “Everything is just right now, the best person to be with is the one I’m with now, and the best thing to do is whatever you are doing right now…”

She smiled and said “Really….I’m playing tea party with my dolls. Do you want a cup of tea?”

As I pulled up a tiny seat to sit at, I said to her very seriously “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, I have been waiting all my life for a cup of tea with an angel like you, would you?”

She giggled, she laughed and from behind her cup she said.” No we just had tea a few minutes ago, before you went into your bedroom silly.”

www.MyNudeStoryBook.com

The Final Lesson Before my Last Life

When I feel confused on which route to take, I always turn to her in the mirror.
So now with my eyes open wide, I look to my mirror for the new door in which I am about to enter and say
“Mirror, mirror on my hand I seek your guidance. I feel lost, and I do not know which path to take. Tell me mirror what is my fate?”

She appears in the mirror and says ‘Tell me, Kay, what guidance and knowledge it is you seek from me today.’

“Mirror, Mirror in my hand, show me my new path in the sand. I command you mirror before the new tide show me all that you hide. Show me the new door, the one you can no longer hide. With the new wind, I expect you to bring, a place that is safe, a place that I’m needed, a place where I can sing. Sail this ship through the storm and safely to port in a faraway land, where there will be others who need my helping hand.”

“Now with these words, I have spoken to you from deep within me, I will rest my worries in your reflection staring back at me from my mirror. I will let you lead me where I need be. I shall not worry that it will not happen as expected; I have faith in my mirror to do with me what you will, including finding me new spiritual work, a place I am respected. Her plan is not known to me, only it is known to me, that for me her plan is best.”

From  within my reflection, she begins to speak her knowledge from the other side,
‘So often when a chapter in our lives ends we spend so much time grieving for the last chapter, we fail to see the new that is just beginning.  You won’t make this mistake as you have seen so many falls to this painful oversight.’

‘At times life feels like a test. However it’s more like the stream of learning and experiences. These experiences feed our growth and development. In this reality. We will continuously fall into the same traps until we learn how to recognize them, accept them for what they are and thus successfully avoid falling into them again. It is our private belief that, If we do not learn the lesson in this life, we are doomed to live it again in our next life. Even for eternity if that’s how long it takes.’
I say to her,

“In this lifetime I have learned much more than I ever expected, I feel I am close to transcendence. Each lifetime I grow, I grow closer to the angels in your world and find myself further and further away from the people in this world. Each lifetime I find myself more and more misunderstood by my peers, thus falling deeper into my higher thoughts and beliefs. “
She speaks softly to me, almost in a whisper from behind the glass,
‘I have been told this we have but one more lifetime to live after this one. If we wish to move on to the next realm, you must understand all things that happen here are meant to prepare us for there.’

“So that is my lesson this lifetime, and here I am learning to accept it.”

This Large World..

Something must have happened I am not quite sure what. However something strange appeared in the meadow where I stood on October 29th 2009. I am not quite sure what made it occur but, the effect it had on me was enormous for sure. I was suddenly face to face with three intelligent energy forces and without anyone’s lips moving this information was passed to me.

The world is large and vast, and full of painful memories of the past. Everywhere we turn we see something to remind of us of that painful memory. It lingers like dew on the grass and fog in the distance, deceiving you into believing its gone only to reappear suddenly out of nowhere.

In this Large World there are many people, of many different types, some are smart while others beautiful, all tormented by something. Some things they are scared of are real, while others are not. Most of the things they are scared of relate to the pains of the past, most of them are aches that last and last.
Most of the people in this Large World live in houses, as they are the best way to live. People can build houses, houses are built from thought. Thought into the Large World by people, the house is a place to share a common space, to have your own space, to share your imagination and information. Here in the house almost anything is possible.

People in the houses that are built by the people in the Large World, can share things like love and thoughts, imagination and information. They can hold one another thru dark storms, and can comfort one another when the other is sad. These people can choose to join the others or hide from their mother, sisters and brothers.
In the House, in the Large World, People live together some in harmony while others do not. In some houses the parents loved one another while in others they spent no time together and always fought. In some houses children flourished while in others the children wilted like trees with no sun. In some of these houses, some of the children became so full of pain, they too became much like the home they came from. Confused, chaotic, full of pain, tormented, divided, spilt, segmented and fragmented into separate parts of a whole.

They suddenly became a container for many people of various ages, with many needs and different styles. One day instead of growing like some of children of the Large World, they spilt into two, then three and soon five by twenty-three. With each new need the brain begins to create a new weed, to keep the seedling safe from harm and the impending storms. Except instead of keeping the seed safe, they actually keep her alone. Like a flower cut off from the sun and water, she begins to wilt even before her day has begun.
She starts to feel as though things are delayed, and can’t clearly remember what bills she paid. She starts to feel numb and a little afraid.  The things that should feel familiar suddenly feel as though they are brand new. Her confusion starts to muddle her brain and emotions are starting to boil, like an over done stew. She looks around and realizes that is all a dream. There is no reason to fear as no real harm comes here.

She is on the inside looking out as if from a jar. From her window, up the stairwell in the tallest tower in the keep she watches. There she sits behind the maze of women pretending to be her, all of them claiming with equal sincerity the she is me. Hearing only what she wants to, the “Queen of our Heart” tells us what we may know. She is in control of the charade; she tells me what I need to have and where I need to go.
It does seem as though; all things possible in the physical home are possible as well in the spiritual home for the unsafe soul of a child confused and scared. In the house of the fragmented mind there are many people who can share thoughts and comfort one another. There are many people who fight and cannot tell the difference between wrong and right. They can share thoughts and will, they can feel certain things and have different feelings on the same topic.

They can be male or female, they can be sweet or sour, these Actors can be just like the real you or just the opposite, they can mimic your mother or make you feel like you are your Dad, and you may even look like your bother. They can be smart or handicap, taller or shorter, they can even have opposing wants at the same time. They can take control of the physical self and project their will onto the spiritual self. It can leave you feeling helpless and ashamed, or worse leave you with no feelings or no memories at all. No sense of self goes un-maimed and your heart is always pained.

Each person resides in their individual room; each has their own space in time, with their own memories painted on the walls of their room. Each person in a Room, in the Mansion that is formed of thought and thought alone has a function. They all have their own personal belief system and memories in which to process the events that are laid before her eyes. Each person in the room has lived their own life and has their own needs; each has their own heart aches as well.
All the persons in the Rooms share the same Memory Storage Unit Space “The Foundations” and have equal useable Capacity. They share a common foundation, and each time the Mansion is fragmented it is divided and split evenly again.

 Each Room has their own prompt command to bring them front and center. Each room is aware of its own existence and occasionally knows or suspects the presence of others. Each room can exists side by side or as a separate entity depends on if a door for communications was built. The room can be unaware that it’s only a small room inside a mansion of large rooms or completely aware of the whole mansion.
One experience can be split over many rooms, or confined to only one room. Like a play set that is placed on a center axis, it spins as the curtains open and close, with a new set before you in a blink of the eye. The actors look the same but they are wearing different clothes, standing in opposite positions, saying contradicting statements.

 As the play goes on the actors switch sets, leaving their memories in the rooms in which they originate. They don’t look back or remember the last set; they just carry on as if they only ever existed in this room and never intend to leave it ever. When they do leave it, they are unaware that their props have changed, unaware of the contradictions they said in the previous scene. When they are asked to recall they don’t, they run back to the room they were in.  Unaware of the switch of sets or clothes, they jump back into the last room and start that set again.

It’s a large scale play, with shape shifting actors that play the roles of me in my life. It is most defiantly, a charade, it is a set that is switched by the audience and the environmental safety of the set. We can communicate within our mind and share our imagination or not. Together we create the illusion of a whole, and only a few can tell who is who, as we are most convincing. We are indeed at the mercy of their thoughts and desires. No doubt if left alone to ponder, we will crumble under the weight of impossible contradictions of my soul.

 Now if you can imagine the Foundation, the Ground of My Being, or The Memory of My Essence, of my Mansion of Rooms is spilt into as many pieces as the My Mansion. Each piece of the foundation is holding a valuable piece of weight to support the structure of the Mansion of Rooms within me. None of the pieces of foundation are aware of the rest of the pieces of the foundation. Each piece can feel the full weight of the mansion but cannot see it. None of the rooms are aware of the divisions in the foundation as well as the divisions in the house. Each piece of the foundation still feels the weight of the entire structure regardless.
When the earth shifts in the Large World and a break occurs. The pieces of the foundation become jumbled like a kaleidoscope it changes before your very eyes.  “The Foundation” that seemed so solid becomes fluid, all pieces move with the slightest nudge. Past Present, Future, heartaches, life struggles, fears, memories, dreams, and real life becomes one in a half of second. All this happening on what feels like Big T.V right behind the eyes in the mind.

The visual processing center is flood with action signals and ole factory responses are vivid and feel so real. The mind tries to make sense of the onslaught of information, the brain tries to process the levels of feelings as the neurotransmitters connect with activity, flooding your body with feeling, it’s tries to give it a name, define its origin, fact or fiction with object identification, reasoning and memory. With only that small unconnected memory system the foundation will vibrate searching for answer. With-out an answer or an out let it will re send the same signal to the foundation over loading and eventually shutting down to maintain stability.

This is where it cripples the mansion decision making ability, as it fails to send the next bit of information to the next room. Like a broken thermostat system in the central air at home will over heat the whole house one room at a time, this same thing happens in the Mansion of Rooms in my mind as it tries to create a unified memory or self-idea. They all send signals for cold air, and after just a while they are all only receive a tiny bit of warm air. The decision making center is now out of commission as it did not have enough information to decide it will just kick on neutral.
Then I was alone in the meadow again, just 6 years old, confused, alone and scared I started to cry loudly...Read the next page here http://www.kaytjewels.com/2013/02/the-girl-in-meadow_27.html#more

The Girl in the Mirror

Every day I encountered the girl in the mirror with skepticism but, her smile was so inviting and her conversation so stimulating. She spoke as if she knew my intimate thoughts and desires. Her face was not of mine, it was slightly different in an alluring kind of way. She had a way of calming my anxiety and soothing my fears with her wooing ways. 

It was not long before I went looking for her when I was worried or scared. She was so comforting and she seemed to have all my answers. How could it be that the mirror knew me? How could the mirror have the answers to my heart? It was tearing me apart and making me mad. To look at the mirror and not recognize the girl who stared back. To not feel the feelings she was telling me I had.

Who was that girl in the mirror, and where did she go? Who are you, and why are you here? You’re not so nice and hardly pretty at all. Why did she leave, and where have you come from? I hadn’t a clue that there were more of you... 

“Well of course you can’t forget about me. There is you and her, and then of course there is me. That is what makes us three.”  The older woman in the mirror said to me. 

“What do you mean us and three I thought it was only her and me?” I replied to her in my head

“Well of course can’t you see? You can’t live without me. I inspire you to go on when you are about to expire, I stay awake when you tire, I scream out when you are angry, and I protect you from all hazards and dangers. I help you make tough choices and hard decisions. I take all your pain and make you feel none. I hide all those terrible secrets while you know just one. Can’t you see you need me as well as her and twice as much as far as I can see?”

“Ha, Ha she only says that cause she can. Why don’t you shut her up for good? She has always been a rotten little goodie too shoes. Kissing ass and being all prim and proper, making everyone think she’s sooo good. Well.. She might be smart and cold as ice but she isn’t nice or sexy like me. She’s a prude, as well as a tight ass, never has any fun. Doing things the right way doesn’t always pay. In fact the odds are against the nice guy. I mean if she was in charge we still be virgins, with no friends at all” Said the beautiful woman staring back


“Well…” I said suddenly aware it was my turn to comment “I think you both are great, but will you get the fuck out of my head?”

My First and Last Day

Trying to find the words to describe how I felt then realizing that there were none. The pain so deep, the sadness so great, I went deep into myself, into my soul. I heard the words and saw the actions, but I just could not comprehend. Where did the love go, why was it all gone, will it ever be okay again? It grieved me, it pained me, and almost broke me.

Was it all an illusion, did you only feed my delusions; my mind was spinning in revolutions’. In that moment I was humbled, I had been broken, my spirit was crumpled. My legs felt weak beneath me, my feet felt like lead on the ground, but the girl inside my head said,

"Run child, run fast, don’t stop until you are free, do not look back not even for me run, run, run child quick with me"

So I set my feet on the floor, I looked around to set my path. Without another thought, I ran as fast as I could. One foot in front of the other and suddenly I felt like was flying. Feet pounding on the ground, slamming the cement, heart racing, and adrenaline pumping I went on.
The pain in my heart eased a little with each step. The rain hitting my face felt like ice but I felt little of it as I ran the whole night through. Tears streaked my face the wind burned my cheeks, but it did not stop me. I just kept running until the breath ran right out of me. I did not look back, I just ran blindly, wet with rain and tears, filled with pain and fears.

When the sun came up, I fell asleep in the park.  When my eyes closed from fatigue the world grew dark behind my eyes. Then a bright light in darkest dark I had ever seen appeared to me 
He came close enough to me that I could see his familiar eyes. He said to me without ever even blinking or changing his smiling expression.

“Everything seems so dark right now, times seem so gray. Do not lose your way, do not let the pain and sadness block out the light. Don’t give up the fight.  Look around for signs that I am near, for I am with you every breath you draw. You are never without me, I am always here, always near, I am everywhere. Do not have fear, you may feel alone and sad, but I promise this won’t always be the way. Some day you will be with me, you will think of these terrible times you had and won’t remember the pains you have had. “ I cried out in my sleep, I moaned and begged him to come for me. He did not take me.

When I woke, the sun had fallen behind the horizon and the sky was filled with pink and yellow streaks. A calm had come over me, nevertheless my heart was heavy, yet it seemed possible to go on. The pain almost felt gone, I was numbed in such a way that I could not explain.

I didn't realize that day when I woke, with those first words I spoke, that it had all but gone away. It felt like they were all in place, but really what I had done was locked them in that special space. I was a clean slate, and I was no longer was filled with only hate. I had managed to forget the pain, but all the facts still remained. What an odd feeling it was to wake up one day, and not have a memory of your own personal history. To not really notice that I didn't remember why I was so sad for so long, like I did that day. To just know that you are who you are, because you know it. Not because you remember what made you what you are.


Ten years came and past before anyone but me knew anything about the mirror and me.

The Wisdom of the Angel in My Mirror..

Days pass and I return to her in the mirror. I pick up the mirror fingering the brass lace on the edge of the glass. I gaze into her and say,

Mirror, mirror in my hand give me the guidance to understand. Today my question is to you, What does make an Angel so strong and never ever weak?”

She sighs softly as her eyes take on a faraway look,

‘The world doesn’t spin on its own. You know it also has forces at work that are unseen and unknown. These forces move us thru the galaxy always on course with our fate. This is also true about us as well; we are but a small part of a large system at work in the world.’

‘They say, all things happen for a reason.  I know you know this is so, as you have managed to retain all things we have learned despite your faulty memory system.  You have not forgotten the lessons of our elders nor the ones from your forgotten past. You see the world thru tear stained eyes, you know that even in our deepest sorrow there will be a valuable piece of the puzzle.   If, we are wise enough to look for knowledge within our pains, only then we can easily see these pitfalls in the future and successfully avoid repeating them again. Some of the deepest lessons you have learned about the people in the world, are the very things that make our angels.’

She paused and thought a minute and then continued,

‘Powerful people are people who have learned the art of patience and the folly in a false sense of urgency despite the speedy pace of the world. Wonderful people are people who have learned the art of withholding judgments, yet still possess an ability to view things objectively. Beautiful people are people who have learned to see, the most beautiful things in life are free and cannot be held, only appreciated when received.’

‘Deep people are people who value and understand silence as well as they understand and value the power of the word. Strong people are people who can withstand the force of temptation to give in to their worst thoughts about themselves, and yet can still acknowledge these parts exist. Intelligent people are people who can articulate and actualize their deepest thoughts and imaginations into existence. Wise people are just persons who have learned the value in sharing the knowledge they have learned with others.’

‘Rich people are people who learned that money can’t buy the things that make them happiest. Honest people are not always people who always tell everything they know, they are people who tell it as they honestly know it to be true, when asked. Humble people are people who never acknowledge the part they play however never fail to play their part to the best of their ability.’

‘Possibly the best lesson we have learned about  the people in “this large world” is that all the other people that do not fit into one of the above mentioned categories are but young learners. They are not evil, just because they are jealous or deceitful. Nor are they bad because they are vain or materialistic. Just as they are not stupid simply because they have not learned some of the hardest lessons there is to learn in this life.’

‘They are just spiritual beings, just as us. They also are just playing out the lessons “The Creator” has set before us humans to learn before we can ascend to the heavens. They too must find their way thru their individual path to become a great spiritual teacher in the sky. They too must live and learn to be a human before their spirit will die to become an angel and learn fly.

Looking deep now almost past the mirrors reflection, I say to her: “So thru human trails and tribulation come forth the angels you so often speak about “

Then she says in a fading voice,

‘No a human, that learns to see their way thru all the many trials and tribulations of humanity without losing their spirit or selling their soul to escape it, they are our angels. This is all I may tell you now about our path to the next realm. At this time you must find a way to do as I say, as it is the only way. Always remember that path that leads to the next realm doesn’t look as though it is paved, smooth with gold most often it looks dark, untraveled and lonely.’

 Just as fast as she appeared she disappeared and I was alone again with my mirror in hand.

I say to the world.. “Did you hear what she just said or am I the only one who can understand her meaning?”